Nice boys don't kiss like that

It's a nice day for a white wedding

2008-12-11T23:18:00.001-08:00

So much to say, most of which I don't remember and don't have the energy for. Needless to say I'm getting married in 2 1/2 weeks. To HIM. I don't know how it happened except I remember wanting it to happen. And then it happened. And then I wished that maybe I had held off a little bit.

Marriage. I don't what it is. I don't know what it's like and I'm going in head first. Scary. People keep asking me if I'm excited but all I can do is smile nervously and mutter noises while looking anywhere but into their eyes. I haven't been able to express exactly how I feel. It's not HIM. HIM is so great and my family loves HIM and HIM loves them back. I even love HIM, and HIM loves me back. It's the commitment. Pure and simple. It's the end of an era - the era being my life. It feels like my life is over. I really feel like the giant steel doors are closing tight around me. I know I shouldn't feel like that but I can't help it. I thrive on dreaming of places to go and sometimes even going there. I've spent the last couple of years learning and traveling and meeting loads of great new people. It's all over.

So now with 2 weeks to go I've been trying to convince myself that life is in fact not over, but taking a surprising twist. Because if I really think about it then I realize that I will be moving to two different states this year. That is quite the adventure. And with HIM joining the Air Force, who knows where we will be going. Yippee! Adventure!

I guess when it really comes down to it I'm scared. I'm scared of being with the same man the rest of my life. Of leaving my family and the comfort of this house for good. That I will have to pay all my bills and make couple friends. I can't believe I have to start my own family. The weight of that one responsibility alone weighs on me. I don't know if I can do it.

How am I going to do this?

Everybody hurts

2008-08-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't written anything in a long time. It's been over a month since that last one, almost two months I guess. I just didn't want to put down what was really going on for fear that I would read it later and realize how pathetic I sounded. I hate sounding wounded like a damsel in distress. But to sum it all up I AM in distress. I've never been so emotional - ever. Anything can set me off. A cheesy commercial, someone else's wedding invitation or worse, anything i can watch with couples in it.

I often wonder how I got to this point. What was the trigger? If I could rewind the past couple months and not do what I did to end up here then I would. But there are too many what-if's to consider here. I could kill myself analyzing what happened. I have been killing myself.

I guess to put it in a nutshell I exposed all my feelings to HIM. You know, what I truly thought: that I love HIM. Doesn't sound so bad, does it? But it is. It is BAD. It wasn't just " I love you". It was " I love you, I could spend the rest of my life with you". There it is. The phrase that started the downward spiral, "I could spend the rest of my life with you".

I wasn't so sure of that myself until I went to North Carolina for a couple of days in July to spend time with HIM and HIM's family. I just knew that things were going to be different after that. That those couple of days would make everything closer to perfect. The sand and the sun were going to be the magic potion, the secret ingredient we were missing to solidify it all. And I was right. At least half-way. I fell more in love. I - me - myself fell more in love. He stayed the same. We had the same conversation about the future that we always have. Nothing has changed, except HIM knows about my devotion and I know nothing about his.

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" the stupid old saying goes. And although I know it applies more to things of the flesh than commitment, it still applies. Why should he make any big decisions when he knows he has me? He has all the confidence in the world that I'll be there for HIM. I've exposed my soft inner shell and I'm just waiting to get screwed. It's like I've gone to the beach without any sun-block on. The first outing to the beach after a long winter and I'm sitting there hoping to get a little tan and the more I sit there the more my skin begins to crisp up but I don't know it until I'm out of the sun in the shade and then it's too late. I'm burned. And I have to spend the next couple of days in pain trying to relieve the burning.

I'm over burning. I wear sun block at all times now when I'm in the sun. I will NOT get burned the way I used to. I take precautions.

For now I sit and wait. I'm a total wreck. But worse, I'm convinced it's HIM's fault. HIM told me HIM loved me first. HIM joked about getting married and proposing to me. Then HIM retracted all the statements and then ha. Jokes on me. I'm starting to resent HIM. HIM is bringing more worry than happy.

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore to make it better.

No man is an island

2008-08-05T00:07:00.000-07:00

"Did you fall out of bed"? asked my mother this morning as I was eating breakfast. "No, why?" I asked. "Because I never get to see you up this early". It was 9:15 am. And no, I do not always get up late. It's just that I've had a little more free time than usual while I wait for my new job to start. I don't want to be lazy and sleep in everyday so I try to get up at a decent hour and keep myself productive - even though I don't really know why. So I fill up my day by taking walks or borrowing my moms trike to take a spin around the neighborhood. I read on the porch or with my legs propped up against a wall to keep the varicose veins away. I made myself take two days to finish A Thousand Splendid Suns so I could have more time to fill up. I'm not complaining, it is just odd to have so much time to yourself. I try to shift my activities every two hours or so to keep the blood pumping. Maybe now I'll have time to remember to water the plants. I just wish there were more people around. I think, "man, a mexican popsicle would be great right now!" but there is no one to go with. And the thought of sitting outside of Juanita's bakery by myself just isn't right. Who would marvel alongside me at the neighboring display windows with fluffy quincenera dresses embroidered with the Virgin of Guadalupe? I have no friends left in Provo. Correction - I have no single friends left in Provo. Thanks for living here married's, but it just doesn't work the same. I've thought about trying to make new friends but what's the point, I'm leaving in a month anyway. It's just too much work. I wouldn't be getting a good return on my investment. I don't need to meet anyone else here. I already have a place to stay when I come back to Utah, I can borrow a car from my family, and I know where I like to eat. So if I already know you and you want to get a mexican popsicle sometime go ahead and give me a ring.

Shot through the heart... and HIM's too late

2008-06-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

God has put a stick in the spokes of our love. He did it in the form of a rejection letter from the University of Manitoba letting HIM know he would not have the pleasure of wintering 4 years in sunny Winnipeg. To some this might seem like a blessing, but to me it was a curse. It was the final death warrant. Relationship due date: End of June. I leave for Texas at the end of June for a month and HIM moves to AZ for school the day before I get back.

There are no definite plans to see each other again. That is to say we want to see each other again, I just don't know when I can get out there. I don't like long distance relationships. To be honest I don't really see the point. It's okay if there is a definite direction to the deal - like, say marriage. But to keep dating just to see if you want to take it further is almost pointless if you rarely see each other. I feel... not good about it.

See, I've put off the question on everyone's mind (mostly my mother's) about whether or not we are going to get married. I just never really tried to figure out what I felt like because I didn't have to. Then all of a sudden the day HIM found out about school I cracked down on myself. I really forced myself to think about it and decide. And I decided that I think I might be into it. The problem? Even though HIM's joked about it for months and months and months...he's still not sure. After all the "our kids this....we'll be married by then....blah blah" he was half kidding. I always used to squirm in fright when he'd joke but now I just squirm in uncomfortableness that this seems to be a little lop-sided.

HIM just doesn't understand what its going to be like apart. We've always been face to face and its taken sooo long to get to this point and he is in for a BIG surprise. HIM just has no idea. Nothing I say really gets through to HIM. HIM is still happily listening to his inner voice that keeps saying.."it will all work out. It will be just fine".

But I just don't run on "it will all work out".

I'm all out of love - I'm so lost without you..

2008-04-29T00:15:00.001-07:00

HIM lied. HIM lied to me. To me...what? It all came out the other night while hanging out with Mike. Apparently things were a little different with the ho he was dating this fall when he was supposed to be dating me. I'm over it...now.

I guess I'm just secure in the knowledge that my status has been elevated in the L-O-V-E department. That's right, hold on to your seat belts because I have now been given the " I love you...to the lowest degree" status. So...how many stages are there in the love rating scale? Should I be looking out for love to the medium degree next?

Although it would appear that "I love you" has been said, it has not. Neither of us would agree that it has been sincerely used. Call me crazy, but I love you to the lowest degree is not, I repeat not, an official I love you. You know, I'm getting used to all these close calls. I think if it finally ever happens I won't hear it because I'm so used to brushing off these close calls, it will just be instinct to not pay attention. It's good and bad that we keep carrying on this charade. Neither of us feels pressure and one is not getting their heart stepped on by the other. But this lazy attitude we both have is not going to push either of us into just saying it already.

I feel it. I've felt it for a while. Not consistently, just really strongly during certain great moments. I'm not sure that great moments really constitute saying something that cannot be taken back.

Im glad that we both move slowly and carefully but it drives me crazy at the same time.

It's almost done - but not quite, another minute.

2008-04-22T00:35:00.000-07:00

HIM and I had another marathon day today where we spent hours upon hours with each other and it was still fun. Lunch with younger brother, mall with brother too, crest drive-thru and porch, movie, etc. Ok, so I slept through part of the movie. It was a Clint Eastwood western, do you blame me? I don't like westerns.

Our friend Mike came into town tonight for graduation. I was really excited to see him again and get all the juicy details of his whirlwind romance/engagement to his friend Whit of 5 years. Basically she went to Seattle to visit him and they kissed. She came again another weekend and they said I love you and a couple days later over videochat they decided to get married. I think whirlwind isn't a fast enough description of what happened. And then he proposed on their first date soon after. Crazy. Crazy in a good way for them because I think they are truly meant to be but crazy none the less.

We all went to Beto's for some stomach aches and while there had some jolly good conversations with details from Mike, Stephen and Jeff on their love lives respectively. Then some teasing and serious questions from Jeff and friends began about HIM and I. Are we progressing? Have we said I love you? Etc, etc. We just laughed them off except when HIM said I love you sideways out of his mouth and we all laughed. Only I know HIM really means it. I think he's been trying to say it for a while but just can't quite get it. He'll throw out "..and that's why I love you" or other things but I just laugh.

Things have been more smooth in this relationship than any past one and I don't feel half as bad as I did in times past. In fact, I don't ever really feel bad. But I have rolled my eyes more than I ever have - I'm worried they are going to slowly dis-attach themselves from my sockets. Gross. And I know HIM is trying really hard to get up the courage to say it and I'm OK with it. HIM told me today marriage scares HIM and I told HIM I felt the same way. Its good to be on the same page. But I also told HIM how I couldn't sleep this morning because I had anxiety over my working situation this summer. I'll be gone for a month. An entire month. The last month we could have together. I hate that. Especially if HIM goes to school in Arizona he will be gone before I'm done working. It's just not an ideal situation. I need to get a job here. Gone a whole month...I don't know if I can do that.

As we were parting this evening after everyone went inside I told him "this is silly, we should be able to part easily we've been together for hours and hours" as we lingered by my car. HIM closed his eyes and said "Ok, I just have to say it".

"Say what?" I responded.

He looked at me, "Oh, nevermind".

"Really?" I said.

"Ok" he stared at me. "No.."

"OK" I shrugged.

"Wait...there is just no easy way to say this" he froze. "Oh, never mind" he said turning away.

"OK" I shrugged"

"Wait....no"

"You aren't ready to say it are you?" I questioned.

"Nope" he chuckled turning away again.

"OK" I said getting into my car.

Sweet Nothings

2008-04-11T15:29:00.000-07:00

I've been considering taking a job this summer that would take me all over the country - in a good way. I would work a couple days a week and then travel around the rest of the time on someone else's dime. But this would of course separate HIM and I for quite a while which is not what I want.

I told him this last night over a delicious breakfast burrito at Beto's, another of my random weird cravings. "I'm telling you this because I want to know what you think because you are a factor in decisions I make now. I know that in the end the decision is mine to make but I like you and I think you should be able to tell me how you feel about it" I said. HIM got really quiet. In fact, he was mostly quiet the rest of the night. I don't think HIM's too keen on me leaving...without HIM.

But the real jewel of the evening was when he drove me home and topped his "I think I'm going to go for the hand-hold" comment. I could tell he wanted to say something but he wasn't so I picked and prodded until he finally did.

"OK...I don't really know how to say this, this might sound harsh. I'm not going to tell you I love you tonight...but it's basically there."

I couldn't help it, I just started to laugh. "Well, I'm not going to tell you I love you either" I replied laughing. HIM is waiting for a moment when his chest feels like it's going to explode and he just can't hold it in any longer. I can wait.

Last night was the first time it hit HIM that we have an expiration date of sorts. D-day.

The kit-n-kaboodle

2008-04-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

"So, is HIM pressuring you about marriage?" my Dad asks me tonight while making pot-stickers.

"AHHHH! NO!" I almost yelped. "You and mom are the only ones who bring it up with me all the time".

Quit it. Quit asking. We don't talk about it, we have never talked about it and I don't forsee it coming up in the near future either. We have got to nip all the questions, nip them in the bud.

HIM's family came in town last week. I hate meeting parents. Anyone's parents, boyfriend, girlfriend, guyfriend, whatever. But I sucked it up and met them and they are really nice. The whole family is really nice. I mean really nice, genuinely nice. I mentioned this to my brother. "I think you'll find that most families are really nice. I think it's just ours that is different" he said. I guess so.

Just how nice can I train myself to be?

House of Jealous Lovers

2008-04-01T21:29:00.001-07:00

HIM doesn't get jealous. Not once, not ever. And yes, it can be a good thing. But it can also be a bad thing. Sometimes its nice to know that someone notices when you are getting attention. A boy could be blatantly flirting with me in front of HIM and he would never know. I hate it. I get jealous...all the time. It is so one sided. So we talked about it and I decided that one day I was going to try and make him jealous by telling HIM about recent incidents with boys. I even showed HIM a note between myself and some guy in my physical science class but he just wasn't jealous, just cocky that he was dating me. Not exactly what I had in mind. But trying to make HIM jealous is slowly dying out because I get uncomfortable talking about attention from guys with HIM. It's exhausting trying to prove I'm the hot ticket in the relationship.

Futurama

2008-03-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

I wish I had something better to write than the fact that I've been having dreams about all the married people I know having terrible marriages. It seems like every night I go to sleep my thoughts are possessed with marriage not working out. Why is this? Mo thinks I'm stressing out over marriage and I think she's right. Maybe it's because everyone is asking me how things are going with HIM and if I think we'll get married. Well...things are fine and I don't know. But I do know that all these questions are making me lose sleep which is bad for everyone.

HIM and I are on a times table of sorts. There is this impending deadline sometime in August that is a cutting off point for....something. A break up? An engagement? A wedding? All possibilities. I hate people telling me what to do when they are not paying me. I hate this invisible deadline for giving me nightmares and undue stress. I hate that my life is wide open but could have to revolve around someone else's. I really hate that it already does revolve around someone else's. Most people are afraid of doing things alone. I'm afraid of doing things with someone else. I have two trains of thought right now. One is me in my singleness with the wide open future and the promise of being able to move anywhere I want and experience new things and new people. The other is me waiting to hear where HIM is going and wondering if I'll be going too. I've placed both on the balancing scales of justice and keep waiting for them to stop moving so I can clearly see which is more beneficial. But they keep bobbing up and down never settling.

But at least I think he finally gets that I am pretty good for him.

Say it, don't spray it

2008-02-24T19:13:00.000-08:00

Has the right restaurant or lighting or kiss made you blurt out things you didn't really mean? Like after a good meal when you are looking at your date and you want to tell them you love them because the roasted squash salad was that good? This has been happening to me a lot lately. It's a very dangerous state to be wandering around in. I'm liable to say all sorts of sentimental things I would want to take back later while snuggled up on the couch with a cup of perfectly brewed pero. I can't tell you how many times my mouth has filled up like someone just blew air into it with crazy sweet nothings, and each time I gulp them right back down. The last thing I want right now is an "I love you" out there just floating around our heads. Not ready yet.

Last night while waiting for the water to boil for our hot chocolate HIM I were smooching for a bit and it happened again. But it was much stronger this time. My chest was starting to feel tight and there was a long slow burn smoldering underneath. I thought "oh no, put it away. Squash this back to where it came from - the bad lighting and warm tea kettle". So I pushed it away and moved on. Then HIM said " I don't know how to really say this...but I really care about you. I really like you." I just smiled as a huge wave of relief washed over me that I was not the only one experiencing the slow burn. Phew, disaster averted. Feelings were expressed but not overdone. Good. I can do that.

Killing me Softly

2008-02-20T16:38:00.000-08:00

Valentines/My Birthday were really great this year! In fact, for all the years that I was dating someone on my birthday this was definitely the best. For weeks I had worried that HIM was going to give me a card and not get off work on my birthday. But then HIM got off work and took me out for my b-day!! We went to the MOA for a special showing of a private collection of Renaissance paintings and then headed to Salt Lake for dinner. We went to a greek restaurant called Aristo's and had a delicious 5 course dinner!! It was late afterwards so we headed home to my house so I could open my present. HIM got me the perfume I've been wanting forever!!! For a cheap guy HIM was not so cheap that night. It was really nice. HIM can go back to cheap now.

I would say that I had a conversation with my mother last night, but it was more like she talked at me. I was minding my own business tapping away at my computer and she starts first with the innocent inquiries and then moves into the heavy probing.

"So...you like Richard, things are going well?"

"yup"

"what is his plan b incase he doesn't get into med school?"

"I don't know. I haven't asked, although I don't think he needs one"

"So his scores were pretty good?"

"sure? he was happy with them"

"what is his plan for this summer? What is your plan?"

"so...do you think things will get serious?"

"I don't know. Its only been a month and a half"

"Well, you need to plan ahead"

"Ok, I think I have some time"

"Are you guys going to get married?"

"What! I think I have some time to think about this, we haven't been dating that long"

"Your father asked me after one month"

"And you said no!"

"Yeah...well, I had to in my situation. Look, I need to plan my summer trips and I need to know if I need to plan for a wedding"

"WHOA!!! I am NOT thinking about that right now. Let's give it some more time shall we? Thanks".

And that is an abbreviated version. What is the rush!? Let's say things keep going well into the summer, do we have to decide before he leaves for Med school? I have never understood not dating for a long time. I know that circumstances change but will I?

The swoop and lock

2008-02-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

"So....I think I'm going to go for the hand-hold when we are looking at art tomorrow night"

"HA HA HA. Wait........why did you just tell me that?"

"Uh......ha ha. Uh...I was just kidding"

"No you weren't"

"I know! I shouldn't have said that out loud, huh?"

"Nope"

Excerpts from a conversation HIM and I were having as I drove HIM home a couple of nights ago. It was the result of an earlier conversation that day about how I would like a little more affection in public so that it doesn't look like we are on an awkward first date all the time. And also so that more people will know we are dating so they stop flirting with me in front of HIM. It gets a little uncomfortable sometimes. No, it gets a lot uncomfortable sometimes. Even better was when he leaned over to give me a smooch goodbye and put his hand on top of mine and said, " a little preview of tomorrow night". Hmmmmm......I feel so lucky?

Actually, I do feel lucky. Lucky to know someone who can say those things to me without me wanting to throw-up and push them out of a moving car. I don't know why - and trust me, I have tried to figure it out - HIM can say things like that all the time and I think its cute.

HIM did in fact go for the hand-hold the next night. It was just what I expected, an awkward surprise! We had just finished watching HIM's friends performance art so I turned to walk out in front of HIM and WHAM! HIM's hand swoops in from the back of me into my hand. It actually kind of scared me. You know, someone grabbing your hand all of a sudden from the back when you can't see them. "Wow, that was really smooth" I told HIM as we walked out. We both knew it was not so smooth, but just fine by me. Hey, HIM is trying and always takes my suggestions and runs with them.

Maybe there is a good book for HIM with pointers?

Pot-luck

2008-02-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

I think I have a problem. An unusual problem. A problem that has never presented itself before now. I think HIM is a better person than me, I really do. I literally think that he has more good bones in his body than me. This is believe it or not a foreign thing for me. I have always been the better person in relationships. It's true! Now, I'm not that good, so you can imagine the kind of people I was dating. Wait...you all know the kind of people I was dating. I'm not sure what to do. This is bad I think.

My friend Natalie used to say that you should marry someone who is not as good looking as you so they will always be grateful to have you. I agree with Natalie, but does this apply to 'goodness' as well? HIM turns his head when there is any hint of suggestive material in a movie or changes the channel on the TV. What?! I don't know many guys like that. Don't get me wrong, I like it. But then there is me who watches and takes notes for future reference. See the problem here? Is he going to discover this sooner or later or does he notice it now? He pays for most his music, he's nice to everyone, etc, etc. I can't claim either of those most days. They say (they being the people who decide everything) that you should make each other want to be a better person. Uh......... I'm not sure I inspire HIM to do anything other than terrible pranks I talk him into to.

Do I need to gorge on goodness right about now?

Define the definition

2008-01-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

GROSS: How I feel when I remember that I told my mom on Sat. night that I actually kissed HIM. She kept pressing for info so I told her we were dating. "What do you mean dating? Did he ask you if you wanted to date?" she wondered. "Mom....nobody asks if you want 'to date' anymore." I replied. "Then how do you know?" she pushed further. "We've kissed Mom. We are dating" I said without thinking. Its not that she doesn't know I've ever kissed someone, its just the first time I've admitted to it out loud. Gross.

RELIEF: What I feel now that this past weekend is over. It was a little rough for HIM and I. Its complicated but it involves too many group activities, Finnish linger-longers, the slowest, longest, worst Japanese movie ever and my bad attitude.

SMITTEN: How HIM described feeling when he saw me looking all fine in the kitchen last night. I've never hear that before - I think I liked it.

Self-Destruction

2008-01-23T23:04:00.000-08:00

What am I doing? I just realized something today. Something BIG. Would class-friend Ryan skip class sometimes to hang out with me when I complain about not wanting to be bored for the next hour or would mustache Seth basically let me copy half his homework if they thought I had a boyfriend? I've have just barely been tapping into my best resource on campus: Men. Thats right, the opposite sex is the key to my success. They always have been. They save me seats in class, email me things I miss when gone, help me with or even just do my projects, and are willing to study anytime, anywhere. I have no class-friends that are girls. None.

And then I really started thinking about it and panic set in. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Thoughts of future commitment began to tighten my throat like a really itchy wool turtleneck and I started to feel... suffocated. The rest of the day I couldn't let it go. This feeling of terror. I get like this sometimes when it comes to committing to things, but didn't I want this all along? Its like having a lump of bread caught in your throat and you have no water. It just sits there applying pressure to your lungs.

I don't know how to survive in a non-single world anymore. Every class, job, whatever, I have used my feminine wiles to help me. I'm good at smiling extra big when I want something, or sitting on a desk to hear about the latest camping trip. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from the office skank - but I do know how to use my femininity for my benefit. This all has to be curbed when in a relationship or married. Making friends with the ladies who sit in the break room who cross-stitch and talk about grandkids and cats doesn't seem so appealing.

I ran into HIM in the library tonight. I just watched HIM talking to me about something and I just kept thinking in my head, "is this what you want? Is he really what you want"? I gave him a ride home and he invited me in for some Pero. I still couldn't shake the nasty doubt. And once again "is this what you really want?" echoed in my head as I searched all the planes of his face. We don't even have a commitment.

Why am I doing this?

Lip Service

2008-01-20T23:48:00.000-08:00

I wonder if HIM talks about me. Did he tell his parents about me when he was home? Has he said anything to his grandparents about me? What does he tell his friends? Or does he? Because I have started to say we are dating when people inquire. It feels weird to say even though I think its an accurate description of the situation.

We went on a date Friday night and had a good time - Indian food and then a movie. It was just the two of us sitting down to enjoy a movie without the usual posse for the first time. It was nice to have something new. Then Mike came home in the middle and had to make a big deal about the fact the HIM had his arm around me and I was leaning into HIM. Grow up. Mike has been acting weird with me ever since Rich and I picked up again. I don't want to think too much about it, but it's like he's trying to rub his most recent hook-up in my face for some reason. I'm not insinuating anything by saying that except that I think our dating makes him feel really weird - I guess.

Things have been great, though not at all like any relationship I've had thus far. I think we are very good at not singling each other out in group situations which is nice. But when we are together, just the two of us, I feel...really happy. It should be harder to describe than that, but it's just happiness. Such a departure from the mixed-up feelings and ups and downs I have gotten used to. You know, its funny how sometimes you can convince yourself that you have done too many stupid things and messed up too many times to deserve something better than good. I've always worried that I have deviated too much from my path in life to be able to have the righteous man promised to me in my PB.

Not saying this is it, that the road ends with this one - But maybe I hope so.

OH, so you're back

2008-01-16T10:13:00.000-08:00

I totally wussed-out last night. I got Tara to go to their house with me, I just couldn't go it alone. Right when I got there I parked it on the couch so when HIM came up I could avoid the awkward hug thing. So when I finally saw HIM it was like, "hey, welcome back!". I didn't even get up. Then HIM sat next to me on the couch and still nothing.

This is when you know I really like someone - I can't show it. Things weren't weird, it was just everyone hanging out again like normal. Except everyone knows. We went to a friends house and then went back to their house where I immediately went home because I had to get up early this morning.

This whole time I was planning on at least hugging HIM hello. Why couldn't I just do it? I get embarrassed by the stupidest things. It felt like that time I went on a date with HIM and I couldn't tell HIM that he looked good because.....I don't know why exactly.

But HIM did get a nice new pair of jeans...really nice.

Don't look at me

2008-01-15T19:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, I was kidding about Paris changing my life. But I think I am avoiding HIM a little. I picked doing math homework over going out with our friends. That NEVER happens. It's just that it's been so long and everyone knows - including his roommates. I just don't know how to act when I see him. People will be watching. It's the fishbowl scenario.

I was telling this today to my friend Jess on the phone and she said it reminded her of a story. A story of a Moose stuck in the middle of a frozen lake that had to be rescued. "Are you saying I'm the moose"? I asked scratching my head. "Yes, you need a little help" she told me. Agreed, I could always use a little help. But at least if I was that moose I would have kicked the ice around me cracking it to help free myself - I think.

But now I'm avoiding talking about the fact that I'm avoiding HIM. I'm in pajamas surrounded by text books writing this instead of going over there. It can wait until tomorrow, right? I've already waited 3 wks, whats a couple more days? I am such a wuss. My heart is palpitating.

Its this kind of performance anxiety that has kept me from doing the 'muscle show' for years.

Tell me that you do

2008-01-14T14:32:00.000-08:00

HIM comes back tonight. I don't know when I'm going to see him seeing as school has overrun my life. I'm listening to a lot of Paris Hilton right now. I don't know if there is a correlation there or not.

Actually, some of the lyrics are well suited for this occasion...."since I'm already screwed here's a message to you - my heart's wide open. I'm just not getting through to the lover in you...but I'm still hopin'". You really need to give the music a chance.

I did, and it changed my life...

I want you to want me....to talk about me

2008-01-08T16:25:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing I know its that I need attention. It may be a flaw, but its a true flaw - the worst kind. I also know that when I complain about something I would like some sympathy. Nothing too gooey or über-supportive, just a nice "yeah, that does suck". I like to feel validated in my frustrations.

The lack of contact with HIM and the lack of "yeah, that does suck" from HIM have begun an internal quest for clarification. Ok, so you are not my boyfriend...by far. But we did kiss once and then you left. So now what? I can't expect much sympathy out of you, except that before you were in no-mans land you were my friend. You have always been my friend. If you were stressed I would talk about it with you, because we're friends. I don't think its too much to ask. Except when I think about it you tell me all the time when you are having a bad day and I always listen and tell you that it sucks. It is not too much to ask. Disappointment.

So can I hang out with any boy that I want to? I think so. Can I get boys to take classes with me? I think so, because I already did. Would it be ok to go to parties that boys invite me to without you? You betcha, I guess. I think I've drawn the line at going on dates with other people. I've put myself in HIM's situation and I would not like it if he was going on dates with other girls, so I won't. Not that anyones asking...yet.

Currently fighting that needy feeling. Any thoughts?

You say tomato, I say shut-up

2008-01-07T18:01:00.000-08:00

I'm going to need a little more sympathy than that HIM. Perhaps when I tell you that my day sucked you should respond with more than "ah, the first day of school. C'est la vie". Well, its my vie and it sucked today - no thanks to you. Did we just have our first fight? Ha ha.

Cute boys were coming out of the woodworks today. Campus seemed infested with them. Well, more than usual anyway. And of course they all show up during my maybe last semester and when I'm finally interested in someone. Stupid boys showing up at the last minute....

I think I met a great boy in class today for Cousin E. He had great jeans and a sick mustache. Perfect.

I don't have a square to spare.

2008-01-05T18:04:00.000-08:00

I got tired of texting and computer chatting every so often, so luckily HIM decided to give me a call last night. HIM has a great phone voice. I don't know what it is, but it is definitely en fuego.

A week. A stupid week to wait to see if the plane that is taxiing on the runway can actually take off.

A week. A stupid week that I spent in LA having a really good time - its been 24hrs now and I'm starting to forget what Stasy's face looks like. Unfortunately I haven't begun to forget what the CHP officers face looks like. He wanted to ask me out? But I don't even live in the same state...and he's blond. I also remember the face of the other boy someone wanted to set me up with. I met him and he is definitely not my type. Once again everyone, just because two people are single doesn't mean they are compatible. Even if he did produce Napoleon Dynamite, especially if he produced ND.

No thanks, I'm already quite satisfied.

Voîla!!

2008-01-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

I did it! I most certainly got a kiss on New Years. Poor Todd the Bod (not my nickname), I just stood there with my lips puckered until he obliged me. He was standing closest to me. Now I have nothing left to accomplish the rest of the year. Feels good.

HIM told me how he narrowly escaped slow dancing to "I don't want to miss a thing" at the Stake Family New Years Dance. Family dance you say? That's crazy...and not in a good way. Thats too bad for HIM. I spent the night dancing my feet into painful submission.

It was a really good night, a really good year. This trip to LA has just put and kept me in the best mood imaginable. Still, my days here are numbered and then back to the gray skies. When I get back there will still be one more week until HIM gets back - boo.

HIM is a much, much better kisser then I expected.....

Surf and Turf

2007-12-30T23:36:00.000-08:00

I've been trying so hard not to post anything yet for two reasons: 1-I would have sounded like a jealous freak show, which would have been a little too revealing and 2-I have almost had the chance to story tell out loud, one more person tomorrow and then it goes public.

I've been enjoying myself so far in LA. Its not cold, there are great stores and tons of men who may or may not live on the street who like to whistle at me. You know what? I'll take that, street men. Just because they live on the street doesn't mean they've lost their eyes.

Tonight we went to someones house for dinner and I met a lot of cool new people. In fact, the ward today and the get-together tonight were filled with nice people. I like it here. I could do this. Me and all my new niceness could fit in seamlessly. Someone tonight even decided to set me up on a date with a friend in Provo. I'll take that too. Well....sort of. I would go out, but how would HIM feel? It wouldn't be cheating but it almost doesn't seem right....you'll see soon enough.

I decided today that since I'm having a brain-block on resolutions for this year that my resolution is to get a New Years kiss. That's the only thing I have to do this year to fulfill my goals.

I wonder who HIM is going to kiss at the big party up north with families and singles alike? Yikes.

My buddy and me

2007-12-25T19:19:00.000-08:00

I miss HIM.

Is that even possible? Its Christmas, aren't I supposed to not even be thinking about anyone but my family? Its not working. Especially when everyone around me brings up HIM every chance they get. I don't know how everyone knows, but they do. But its alright because I deserve a little grief once in a while since I am so good at giving it.

I hope everyone is having a great Christmas. I especially hope the next 2 weeks go by quickly. Luckily I leave for LA, sunshine and Stasy in a few days - not to mention shopping, friends I love and a pregnant Jess!

HIM is getting quite popular around here. If he only knew.

24 hrs of a Christmas Story

2007-12-23T13:21:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to begin. Some excerpts from conversations over the last couple of days:

"you are different this year. you are.......nicer" Thanks, I know I am nicer. Hope thats a good thing.

"So...I can call you anytime I want to?" Yes, you can call me whenever you feel like it, just dial me up on your phone.

"I just thought to myself, is this how I want it to begin? No." Thanks a lot. That was your reason? Stupid.

"Three weeks? What was I thinking? Bla!" Yup, so you better make it up to me when you come back.

There is so much to tell and writing it down just wouldn't do it justice. This needs to be told in person. This is quickly moving from a great story to the greatEST story.

Scent of a woman

2007-12-19T20:50:00.000-08:00

The question is.....do I wear my heady, floral, seductive L.A.M.B. - musky yet clean and sexy 'Body' fragrance from V.S. - or my light, french milled soap, almost fruity yet flirty 'Provence' by Clean?

2nd question.....do I go with v-neck, drape neck, turtleneck, scoop neck or low-cut neck?

3rd question....baggy L.A.M.B. pants, fitted L.A.M.B. pants, denim or no-pants?

4th question....do I ask to sit in the nook or do I just move in?

Solo movie tomorrow night.

Houston, we have a problem

2007-12-17T23:25:00.000-08:00

Commence freak-out in 5-4-3-2-1.

I was tired and cranky and annoyed at the whole day today, minus my half-hour in the sunshine, and I let it get to me. I let paranoia creep in slowly at first and then the pace quickened. Suddenly I was aggravated at my situation. Then I felt entitled followed by feelings of disdain and then a little pathetic desperation. I guess those are the normal emotions one feels when trapped in solitary confinement. But every once in a while the slot in the door opens for some old food and I catch a glimpse of the sunlight and I desperately want out.

I'm not normally a patient person when I really want something. I am being sooo patient. If patience is a virtue then I should be nominated for saint-hood right about now. Go ahead, pay your alms, light some candles and start reciting at my feet. Maybe one day some lucky Gentile will see my face in a stain on a wall and become a believer. I will wear the sad, sorrowful face of a patient woman.

Patience is not a virtue in this situation. It is a poison. And just like they say in mean girls, "when you get bit by a snake you have to suck the poison out, and that's exactly what i had to do". Well that's exactly what I have to do.

Commence de-poisoning in 5-4-3-2-1

Times Tables

2007-12-15T21:56:00.000-08:00

I went out with someone tonight:

Time the date started: 7 pm

Time the date ended: 10 pm

Time I wish the date ended: 8:20 pm

Don't get me wrong, someone was a nice person. Just not the right person. Not enough eye content and too much analyzing of his social problems. I was giving him tips on being more social and getting to know people by the end of the night - not my idea of the best time. But we did go to the bookstore to "pick out a book we think the other might like". Now that is my idea of a good time...

I've been tainted by HIM. Especially when his brother told me today that he was supposed to find out if I had a good time last night. No, I didn't have a good time last night. I had a great time last night. I want to do it every night.

Just. Kiss. My. Face. Already.

Suggest management sick, not skirt

2007-12-15T11:09:00.000-08:00

9 hours. I spent 9 hours with HIM yesterday. NINE HOURS. Who does that unless they are going to Junior Prom in Utah and have to suffer through a 'day-date' before the dance? I'll tell you who does that: married people and couples. We are neither.

I had high hopes for those 9 hrs. yesterday. I thought, "something has to happen". Well something DID happen. I discovered that I can spend 9 hrs with HIM and not want to stab my eyes out with a blunt object, so thats good. We had a good time. At least I think WE had a good time because I know I did.

But as I lay down in my bed the disappointment came rushing over me, cascading down my back, little rivulets streaming between my toes until I was in a puddle of my own disappointment. Its like Bridget's friends Shaz says to her, "there's been all this talk. But has he ever actually stuck his #&^^@&&% tongue down your *#&@&%# throat"? No. Which is were the disappointment comes in. How much longer do I have to wait? I'm getting restless. This crumbs thing just isn't working anymore.

There is no way HIM is leaving for Christmas break without divulging something...anything. I cannot wait another 3 weeks trying to figure HIM out. Not going to do it.

Why doesn't he just kiss my face and get it over with?

Are you there God? Its me, Laquina.

2007-12-12T20:22:00.000-08:00

I'm worried. I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch. I don't want to believe the new L.A.M.B. sweat pants I just bought are real until they are in my porcelain hands. I also don't want to believe that my luck is changing. I've always resisted getting too happy and hopeful about things in the relationship department because they usually explode in some huge fantastic show of black powder and aerosol cans at the end. I also just don't like to look like the girl I am. Being giddy about boys was never really my thing, its hard to get used to (just like skinny jeans were at first).

I've been told I'm being too vague as of late. Its true, I was doing it on purpose. There is this myth, at least I'm hoping thats what it is, that if you talk about or acknowledge your feelings for someone then it will be ruined. I'm going to debunk that myth. If this does get ruined it will be because I said or did something stupid or he just couldn't cut it.

I'm going out with HIM on friday night after almost two weeks of unmistakable flirting-from HIM. HA! To be fair, this last week he has been on pain killers and those always make you like people more than usual, but still. Its been obvious to me and obviously made me happy. I'm not a total optimist but I'm letting myself hope for some good this time around. I'm keeping my options open and going out with other boys, like this sat. night, and I'm happy about those as well.

Its just that I can tell its different this time around. Just as I'm stepping out the door he stops me, so typical. It is so different this time around that if this go doesn't work this might be the end of us - friendship and all. I stopped praying for boys to like me after I prayed for Nathan Kozlowski to like me in junior high and it didn't work. But I really want this to work.

If it doesn't then God and I are going to have to have a talk about how I interpret the feelings he gives me.

C'mon.

Physical Therapy

2007-12-10T21:29:00.000-08:00

Uh.......yeah.

My face has done a lot of smiling today. My face also ate 3 cookies and a fudge bar, could have something to do with that. But really, its so much more than the fudge bar.

I feel great. There are no miraculous miracles at this point, but there are tiny shuffling steps turning into a nice walking pace. Walking is just fine with me since it seems I have let these muscles atrophy after crouching down for so long. Time to stretch and get out again.

My weekend has officially filled up. Watch out.

Double vision

2007-12-09T01:18:00.001-08:00

Have you ever just known something? You just know it. There is no evidence, no physical proof, you just....know? Does it make you feel ridiculous for knowing something that you can't explain and can't justify?

Has there been something you just needed? A pull beyond your control? I hate not feeling in control of my senses. I hate not being in control in general. Most of the time I resent this feeling of longing, of being pulled in a different direction.

I never wanted to be a person who felt like they got every little sign and signal. That a loaf of bread dropping on the floor actually meant something more than a loaf of breading falling. But now I'm worried that not wanting to see into anything has left me always seeing past things.

J'suis fatigué.

Back to life....back to reality

2007-12-08T16:58:00.000-08:00

Something is different. I don't know how or why and I won't analyze it, but HIM and I are back to normal.

It may have been hard for the untrained eye to see the underlying awkwardness between us for the past 2 months but it was definitely there. I could feel it. But last week things changed and I haven't looked back since. It feels good to be back. The ease has returned and wether or not it shows I can feel it too.

I finally have my friend back and I can finally be a friend back. I just love normalcy.

Can't wait to sit in my usual seat at dinner tomorrow.

Silence is golden

2007-12-06T20:54:00.001-08:00

All quiet on the western front. I haven't written anything because there has been nothing to write. But as soon as I realized that nothing to write about IS actually something to write about I came around. I have hardly flirted with anyone unless you think that smiling at the ogre of a football player in my class is flirting and then I did.

Wait, never mind. I have flirted around town. I have flirted around town in crazy wonderful clothing. But I don't count those because I didn't mean them. Its kind of like breathing, I just do it without thinking about it. Although sometimes I will suddenly gasp for air and then realize that I had temporarily stopped breathing without noticing -yikes.

"The calm before the storm", what does that even mean? I feel like its more of "the heat before the storm" around here. It always gets warmer before it gets cold again. So should I think of my dating life as the 'calm before the storm' or 'the heat before the storm'? One one hand this period of drought could be perceived as just the small time before my cup of love runneth over. Or, I could have some hot flirtations before my cup of love freezeth over until spring. Neither option seems that great.

I kind of feel like I'm hidden in coat check. That someone either lost the ticket for me or is still in the club having fun and is waiting to claim me after a long night. But until then I'm stuck between all the other coats that are usually fake fur rubbing their synthetic fibers on my minky warmth. Mink should never be subjected to that.

Self Help

2007-11-22T23:06:00.000-08:00

How to purge someone from your life:
1-delete any text or email messages
2-Leave your phone on the other side of the house, preferably on a different floor where you can't check it every other minute
2-stop answering phone calls
3-don't respond to text messages
4-avoid common areas
5-reserve asking friends for information to every other week or so
6-BIG breathe......delete their phone number.

I've had to follow all of these steps before. Sometimes I just have to do a couple of them for a semi-purge but inevitably I end up following them. They are like my rules of engagement. These steps go for both men and women - I have had to purge a lady friend....it stinks. For some reason I was reminiscing tonight about all my past relationships. Kind of dysfunctional yet always exciting. Guess I'm lucky I made it out mostly in one piece. But why take such extreme measures to cut people out of your life? It made me wonder what dating was like before all of the instant messaging and cell phones and facebooking. Its no wonder more people got married, they didn't have a 1 in 5 chance of doing something stupid. If you were mad then you wrote a letter and they didn't get it for a week. Now you can sent your insanity instantaneously and reap your consequences just as fast.. How much different would my life be if I lived 60 years ago? How much different would your life be? Think about it.

Achtung baby

2007-11-19T18:18:00.000-08:00

I had a minor setback on Sat night after my party when HIM and our other friend stayed after everyone left. I don't what it is, but HIM just seems so cozy. I could just crawl into his nook and stay there forever. But unfortunately the nook is closed for business this time of year. They must be cleaning.

I hate the setback. It always happens and worse I think it has to happen. Without the setback things would be too easy. When are things ever easy? I watched a Brazilian film were a little boy says something to the effect of "mom says God never gives us more than we can handle. But I think sometimes he forgets and kills us". Actually, I may have made up the death part but I still like it.

So I said to myself last night this is stupid. Let's just get this over with. Should I still get hung up on HIM? A sign would help me. That's right, I actually wanted a sign. And tonight as I was chewing on a piece of pizza I remembered this morning as I was pulling out of my garage headed to school and there was HIM's aunt waving at me from the sidewalk across the street. Was this what I asked for?

I don't know anymore, i just don't know.

When it rains everything gets soggy

2007-11-16T15:33:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling pretty good lately even though I have an empty plate so to speak. I ran into nerd crush in the library this week which was great. Actually it was more like I was talking to one of my really muscular friends for quite a while before I noticed he was right across the table from him - then I ran into him. I just noticed that he has a few grey hairs in his ebony mane. We all know how much I love a silver fox, this ups his potential quite a bit. I made sure to tell my friend Dan from my ward on the phone today to make sure nerd crush gets an invite the the festivities this weekend at my house. He'll have no chance then.

HIM just makes me laugh now, a good sign that my "I hate you for not liking me back" phase is over. I hate that phase, it has tarnished a number of friendships for nothing. HIM over-complemented me on both my other blog and my comment on a friends blog. Quit complimenting me HIM.....its getting old. Ha Ha. Besides, HIM sent me a text today that just re-established my suspicions that sometimes he's just two steps behind. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA - see how much I can laugh about it now?

I did something last night that I haven't done since my sophomore year; I tore out a picture of a boy from my Urban Outfitters catalog and taped it the back of my door. I'm trying to restrain myself from covering the whole door like I used to, but I figure one picture is OK. I just liked how he looked and it helps me remember that yes, I do have a type and he is out there. I don't have to pick from the small selection afforded to me here. I figured out that I can only date less than 10% of the worlds population living here. Now I've never been good at math and so I'm sure that equation is horribly wrong. In fact, its probably less than 10% which is much worse to think about. So I decided this summer that I was over dating in America and now I was moving on to the world. I am a Global Studies major after all....what better way to study the globe than to date it?

I just need a better passport picture now.

Do-over

2007-11-12T20:19:00.000-08:00

I felt bad for not being friendly enough to the guy in my class who asked me if I wanted to go get a sprite with him at the beginning of the semester. I should have been nicer when I was tanner. Now I want attention and don't know where to get it. So when I left class the other day sprite boy was in the hall and he looked like he was smiling at me as I walked past so I smiled back and said hello only to discover he was actually saying hello to someone behind me.....snap. Serves me right.

We had stake conference this sunday so I wasn't able to charge at my nerd crush, but I did see him Friday night and acosted him then. I actually went to an intramural football game with some friends because I knew there would be men there without fail. When we left nerd crush was walking by and said "I never see you at functions outside of church". "That's because I don't go to them" I replied. "Why is that" he foolishly asked. "Because you have never invited me" I smiled. The look on his face...priceless. He fumbled around for a responce until he agreed "that could be a reason". It was beautiful.

I'm over IT and slowly over HIM. There is nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with HIM not liking me. The nice thing about crushes is they can go away. Especially if your crush has small hands, falls asleep too early and can't always follow the conversation at the same speed as everyon else. Its really too bad though, I like having a crush. But its even better when it works out. So now I'm listening to the stupid sounding advice I gave to one of my friends, "Onwards and upwards". Well I'm on to cookies and upwards of 4 candy bars a day. Good times.

You threw off my groove

2007-11-07T13:09:00.000-08:00

First thing I did when I got to Geog 101 today was lean over to class bro and ask, "Do you have any single friends that want to take me on a date"? He nodded no right away. "You didn't even think about it" I protested. "I don't really have a lot of guy friends" he replied. "Well you should get some new friends" I snapped back. I need to go on a date. I need to go even if for no other reason than it would take my mind off HIM.

Why am I sitting around oblivious to everyone else waiting for something? What exactly am I waiting for? A declaration of undying love? That's just not realistic, and if I've become anything its realistic. How much longer can I wait for HIM? Not much longer I think. There has basically been silence since Friday. I tried to close the gap with a few text messages that barely garnered any results - which is typical of HIM. Its not supposed to be like this. I should have someone chasing after me, not the other way around. My brother in-law gave me some good advice, "when you go on a date with HIM, don't act like his friend". Easier said than done. I don't know any other way to act. If I can't even make myself act differently, how can I expect HIM to? Maybe its just not meant to be, like all the other relationships in my life its just bad timing. And come to think about it he doesn't know anything about those relationships. After 1 1/2 yrs of friendship he hardly knows me. Interesting.

And to make matters matters worse I've lost my uumph. I used to be able to unnerve a guy with just one look, not anymore. I've been trying to flirt heavily with this nerdy boy in my ward from Boston. There is no question he is a nerd, but I just like him. My goal is to get him to take me on a date which used to be no problem. But the last two weeks I've only muttered a hello in the hallway. I'm going to get him this Sunday, mark my words. On Monday I got into an elevator with an attractive guy. He scooted closer to me in the elevator and I should have said, "getting off on 3 as well"? But I looked down and headed out the door. Perhaps what I need is to go to Jamaica just like Stella to get my groove back. Something has got to change.

Review

2007-11-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

It all started with a text; I need to talk to you. The phone rang seconds later and I found myself voice to voice with my biggest fear: HIM. I sent the text. I answered the phone. And I stumbled word after word. " I know you are dating other people, thats a good thing. But I have developed a little crush on you and I wanted to know what you thought". The silence was bad, but hearing that he knew was even worse. "No, this is a good thing, I'm definitely smiling right now" he said. Of course you are smiling, I just made a fool of myself to pump up your ego. "I am seeing people, but we should definitely go on some dates" he continued. DATES???? I don't want to go on dates. I don't want to be having this conversation. I don't want to be counting the moments until I don't have to hear you anymore. I want to crawl under my bed with some magazines and watch peoples feet as they pass by unaware of me.

You don't have to answer right now......in fact, please don't answer right now. Take some time to think about it and by then I'll already be in Rosarito getting food poisoning. When they find me and the taco that did me in they'll say she was running away from something - but ultimately she died doing what she loved; eating cheap food on the street.

We had our first date on Friday night. We had hung out a lot with other people, but this was a solo project. We went to the same International Cinema movie that my parents who never go out went to. "We didn't see you there" my dad said later at home. "I saw you and we sat far away" I replied. He looked good, really good but I couldn't tell him. I felt foolish as I stole secret glances at him during the movie. I just wanted to reach over and touch him, just put my hand on his back, but I didn't. Finally over hot chocolate between discussing capital punishment, gangs and the state of Israel I blurted out "I like that shirt, it looks good on you". Lame.

10:30pm, date over. I sent a "thank you"text (an inside joke of ours). He laughed and sent one back thanking me. Then he sent a real one saying we should do it again sometime. Another crumb for me to nibble on. "I'm tired of crumbs" I told my mom, " I want a piece of bread".

लेट'एस स्टार्ट अत थे बेगिन्निंग

2007-11-05T13:16:00.000-08:00

I've decided to start a second blog to share my dating mis-adventures. It seems I always have something to say or share in this department. Unfortunately I cannot share this part of my life on my regular blog because boys read it....and thats no bueno. So for the select few of you who get to read this, welcome to my dating hell.