Define the definition

GROSS: How I feel when I remember that I told my mom on Sat. night that I actually kissed HIM.  She kept pressing for info so I told her we were dating.  "What do you mean dating?  Did he ask you if you wanted to date?" she wondered.  "Mom....nobody asks if you want 'to date' anymore." I replied.  "Then how do you know?" she pushed further.  "We've kissed Mom.  We are dating" I said without thinking.  Its not that she doesn't know I've ever kissed someone, its just the first time I've admitted to it out loud.  Gross.

RELIEF:  What I feel now that this past weekend is over.  It was a little rough for HIM and I.  Its complicated but it involves too many group activities, Finnish linger-longers, the slowest, longest, worst Japanese movie ever and my bad attitude.

SMITTEN:  How HIM described feeling when he saw me looking all fine in the kitchen last night.  I've never hear that before - I think I liked it.   

Self-Destruction

What am I doing?  I just realized something today.  Something BIG.  Would class-friend Ryan skip class sometimes to hang out with me when I complain about not wanting to be bored for the next hour or would mustache Seth basically let me copy half his homework if they thought I had a boyfriend?  I've have just barely been tapping into my best resource on campus: Men.  Thats right, the opposite sex is the key to my success.  They always have been.  They save me seats in class, email me things I miss when gone, help me with or even just do my projects, and are willing to study anytime, anywhere.  I have no class-friends that are girls.  None.  

And then I really started thinking about it and panic set in.  I don't know if I'm ready for this.  Thoughts of future commitment began to tighten my throat like a really itchy wool turtleneck and I started to feel... suffocated.  The rest of the day I couldn't let it go.  This feeling of terror.  I get like this sometimes when it comes to committing to things, but didn't I want this all along?  Its like having a lump of bread caught in your throat and you have no water.  It just sits there applying pressure to your lungs.

I don't know how to survive in a non-single world anymore.  Every class, job, whatever, I have used my feminine wiles to help me.  I'm good at smiling extra big when I want something, or sitting on a desk to hear about the latest camping trip.  Don't get me wrong, I'm far from the office skank - but I do know how to use my femininity for my benefit.  This all has to be curbed when in a relationship or married.  Making friends with the ladies who sit in the break room who cross-stitch and talk about grandkids and cats doesn't seem so appealing.

I ran into HIM in the library tonight.  I just watched HIM talking to me about something and I just kept thinking in my head, "is this what you want?  Is he really what you want"?  I gave him a ride home and he invited me in for some Pero.  I still couldn't shake the nasty doubt.  And once again "is this what you really want?" echoed in my head as I searched all the planes of his face.  We don't even have a commitment.

Why am I doing this?

Lip Service

I wonder if HIM talks about me.  Did he tell his parents about me when he was home?  Has he said anything to his grandparents about me?  What does he tell his friends?  Or does he?  Because I have started to say we are dating when people inquire.  It feels weird to say even though I think its an accurate description of the situation.  

We went on a date Friday night and had a good time - Indian food and then a movie.  It was just the two of us sitting down to enjoy a movie without the usual posse for the first time.  It was nice to have something new.  Then Mike came home in the middle and had to make a big deal about the fact the HIM had his arm around me and I was leaning into HIM.  Grow up.  Mike has been acting weird with me ever since Rich and I picked up again.  I don't want to think too much about it, but it's like he's trying to rub his most recent hook-up in my face for some reason.  I'm not insinuating anything by saying that except that I think our dating makes him feel really weird - I guess.   

Things have been great, though not at all like any relationship I've had thus far.  I think we are very good at not singling each other out in group situations which is nice.  But when we are together, just the two of us, I feel...really happy.  It should be harder to describe than that, but it's just happiness.  Such a departure from the mixed-up feelings and ups and downs I have gotten used to.  You know, its funny how sometimes you can convince yourself that you have done too many stupid things and messed up too many times to deserve something better than good.  I've always worried that I have deviated too much from my path in life to be able to have the righteous man promised to me in my PB. 

 Not saying this is it, that the road ends with this one - But maybe I hope so.

OH, so you're back

I totally wussed-out last night.  I got Tara to go to their house with me, I just couldn't go it alone.  Right when I got there I parked it on the couch so when HIM came up I could avoid the awkward hug thing.  So when I finally saw HIM it was like, "hey, welcome back!".  I didn't even get up.  Then HIM sat next to me on the couch and still nothing.  

This is when you know I really like someone - I can't show it.  Things weren't weird, it was just everyone hanging out again like normal.  Except everyone knows.  We went to a friends house and then went back to their house where I immediately went home because I had to get up early this morning.  

This whole time I was planning on at least hugging HIM hello.  Why couldn't I just do it?  I get embarrassed by the stupidest things.  It felt like that time I went on a date with HIM and I couldn't tell HIM that he looked good because.....I don't know why exactly.

But HIM did get a nice new pair of jeans...really nice. 

Don't look at me

Ok, I was kidding about Paris changing my life.  But I think I am avoiding HIM a little.  I picked doing math homework over going out with our friends.  That NEVER happens.  It's just that it's been so long and everyone knows - including his roommates.  I just don't know how to act when I see him.  People will be watching.  It's the fishbowl scenario.  

I was telling this today to my friend Jess on the phone and she said it reminded her of a story.  A story of a Moose stuck in the middle of a frozen lake that had to be rescued.  "Are you saying I'm the moose"? I asked scratching my head.  "Yes, you need a little help" she told me.  Agreed, I could always use a little help.  But at least if I was that moose I would have kicked the ice around me cracking it to help free myself - I think.

But now I'm avoiding talking about the fact that I'm avoiding HIM.  I'm in pajamas surrounded by text books writing this instead of going over there.  It can wait until tomorrow, right?  I've already waited 3 wks, whats a couple more days?  I am such a wuss.   My heart is palpitating.

Its this kind of performance anxiety that has kept me from doing the 'muscle show' for years.

Tell me that you do

HIM comes back tonight.  I don't know when I'm going to see him seeing as school has overrun my life.  I'm listening to a lot of Paris Hilton right now.  I don't know if there is a correlation there or not.  

Actually, some of the lyrics are well suited for this occasion...."since I'm already screwed here's a message to you - my heart's wide open.  I'm just not getting through to the lover in you...but I'm still hopin'".  You really need to give the music a chance.  

I did, and it changed my life...

I want you to want me....to talk about me

If there is one thing I know its that I need attention.  It may be a flaw, but its a true flaw - the worst kind.  I also know that when I complain about something I would like some sympathy.  Nothing too gooey or über-supportive, just a nice "yeah, that does suck".  I like to feel validated in my frustrations.  

The lack of contact with HIM and the lack of "yeah, that does suck" from HIM have begun an internal quest for clarification.  Ok, so you are not my boyfriend...by far.  But we did kiss once and then you left.  So now what?  I can't expect much sympathy out of you, except that before you were in no-mans land you were my friend.  You have always been my friend.  If you were stressed I would talk about it with you, because we're friends.  I don't think its too much to ask.  Except when I think about it you tell me all the time when you are having a bad day and I always listen and tell you that it sucks.  It is not too much to ask.  Disappointment.

So can I hang out with any boy that I want to?  I think so.  Can I get boys to take classes with me?  I think so, because I already did.  Would it be ok to go to parties that boys invite me to without you?  You betcha, I guess.  I think I've drawn the line at going on dates with other people.  I've put myself in HIM's situation and I would not like it if he was going on dates with other girls, so I won't.  Not that anyones asking...yet.  

Currently fighting that needy feeling.  Any thoughts? 

You say tomato, I say shut-up

I'm going to need a little more sympathy than that HIM.  Perhaps when I tell you that my day sucked you should respond with more than "ah, the first day of school.  C'est la vie".  Well, its my vie and it sucked today - no thanks to you.  Did we just have our first fight?  Ha ha. 

Cute boys were coming out of the woodworks today.  Campus seemed infested with them.  Well, more than usual anyway.  And of course they all show up during my maybe last semester and when I'm finally interested in someone.  Stupid boys showing up at the last minute....

I think I met a great boy in class today for Cousin E.  He had great jeans and a sick mustache.   Perfect.  

I don't have a square to spare.

I got tired of texting and computer chatting every so often, so luckily HIM decided to give me a call last night. HIM has a great phone voice. I don't know what it is, but it is definitely en fuego.

A week. A stupid week to wait to see if the plane that is taxiing on the runway can actually take off.

A week. A stupid week that I spent in LA having a really good time - its been 24hrs now and I'm starting to forget what Stasy's face looks like. Unfortunately I haven't begun to forget what the CHP officers face looks like. He wanted to ask me out? But I don't even live in the same state...and he's blond. I also remember the face of the other boy someone wanted to set me up with. I met him and he is definitely not my type. Once again everyone, just because two people are single doesn't mean they are compatible. Even if he did produce Napoleon Dynamite, especially if he produced ND.

No thanks, I'm already quite satisfied.

Voîla!!

I did it!  I most certainly got a kiss on New Years.  Poor Todd the Bod (not my nickname), I just stood there with my lips puckered until he obliged me.  He was standing closest to me.  Now I have nothing left to accomplish the rest of the year.  Feels good.  

HIM told me how he narrowly escaped slow dancing to "I don't want to miss a thing" at the Stake Family New Years Dance.  Family dance you say?  That's crazy...and not in a good way.  Thats too bad for HIM.  I spent the night dancing my feet into painful submission.  

It was a really good night, a really good year.  This trip to LA has just put and kept me in the best mood imaginable.  Still, my days here are numbered and then back to the gray skies.  When I get back there will still be one more week until HIM gets back - boo.

HIM is a much, much better kisser then I expected.....