It's a nice day for a white wedding

So much to say, most of which I don't remember and don't have the energy for.  Needless to say I'm getting married in 2 1/2 weeks.  To HIM.  I don't know how it happened except I remember wanting it to happen.  And then it happened.  And then I wished that maybe I had held off a little bit.  

Marriage.  I don't what it is.  I don't know what it's like and I'm going in head first.  Scary.  People keep asking me if I'm excited but all I can do is smile nervously and mutter noises while looking anywhere but into their eyes.  I haven't been able to express exactly how I feel.  It's not HIM.  HIM is so great and my family loves HIM and HIM loves them back.  I even love HIM, and HIM loves me back.  It's the commitment.  Pure and simple.  It's the end of an era - the era being my life.  It feels like my life is over.   I really feel like the giant steel doors are closing tight around me.  I know I shouldn't feel like that but I can't help it.  I thrive on dreaming of places to go and sometimes even going there.  I've spent the last couple of years learning and traveling and meeting loads of great new people.  It's all over.  

So now with 2 weeks to go I've been trying to convince myself that life is in fact not over, but taking a surprising twist.  Because if I really think about it then I realize that I will be moving to two different states this year.  That is quite the adventure.  And with HIM joining the Air Force, who knows where we will be going.  Yippee!  Adventure!

I guess when it really comes down to it I'm scared.  I'm scared of being with the same man the rest of my life.  Of leaving my family and the comfort of this house for good.  That I will have to pay all my bills and make couple friends.  I can't believe I have to start my own family.  The weight of that one responsibility alone weighs on me.  I don't know if I can do it. 

How am I going to do this?

Everybody hurts

I haven't written anything in a long time.  It's been over a month since that last one, almost two months I guess.  I just didn't want to put down what was really going on for fear that I would read it later and realize how pathetic I sounded.  I hate sounding wounded like a damsel in distress.  But to sum it all up I AM in distress.  I've never been so emotional - ever.  Anything can set me off.  A cheesy commercial, someone else's wedding invitation or worse, anything i can watch with couples in it.  

I often wonder how I got to this point.  What was the trigger?  If I could rewind the past couple months and not do what I did to end up here then I would.  But there are too many what-if's to consider here.  I could kill myself analyzing what happened.  I have been killing myself.  

I guess to put it in a nutshell I exposed all my feelings to HIM.  You know, what I truly thought: that I love HIM.  Doesn't sound so bad, does it?  But it is.  It is BAD.  It wasn't just " I love you".  It was " I love you, I could spend the rest of my life with you".  There it is.  The phrase that started the downward spiral, "I could spend the rest of my life with you".  

I wasn't so sure of that myself until I went to North Carolina for a couple of days in July to spend time with HIM and HIM's family.  I just knew that things were going to be different after that.  That those couple of days would make everything closer to perfect.  The sand and the sun were going to be the magic potion, the secret ingredient we were missing to solidify it all.  And I was right.  At least half-way.  I fell more in love.  I - me - myself fell more in love.   He stayed the same.  We had the same conversation about the future that we always have.  Nothing has changed, except HIM knows about my devotion and I know nothing about his.  

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" the stupid old saying goes.  And although I know it applies more to things of the flesh than commitment, it still applies.  Why should he make any big decisions when he knows he has me?  He has all the confidence in the world that I'll be there for HIM.  I've exposed my soft inner shell and I'm just waiting to get screwed.  It's like I've gone to the beach without any sun-block on.  The first outing to the beach after a long winter and I'm sitting there hoping to get a little tan and the more I sit there the more my skin begins to crisp up but I don't know it until I'm out of the sun in the shade and then it's too late.  I'm burned.  And I have to spend the next couple of days in pain trying to relieve the burning.

I'm over burning. I wear sun block at all times now when I'm in the sun.  I will NOT get burned the way I used to.  I take precautions.   

For now I sit and wait.  I'm a total wreck.  But worse, I'm convinced it's HIM's fault.  HIM told me HIM loved me first.  HIM joked about getting married and proposing to me.  Then HIM retracted all the statements and then ha.  Jokes on me.  I'm starting to resent HIM.  HIM is bringing more worry than happy.  

I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to do anymore to make it better.

No man is an island

"Did you fall out of bed"? asked my mother this morning as I was eating breakfast.  "No, why?" I asked.  "Because I never get to see you up this early".  It was 9:15 am.  And no, I do not always get up late.  It's just that I've had a little more free time than usual while I wait for my new job to start.  I don't want to be lazy and sleep in everyday so I try to get up at a decent hour and keep myself productive - even though I don't really know why.  So I fill up my day by taking walks or borrowing my moms trike to take a spin around the neighborhood.  I read on the porch or with my legs propped up against a wall to keep the varicose veins away.  I made myself take two days to finish A Thousand Splendid Suns so I could have more time to fill up.  I'm not complaining, it is just odd to have so much time to yourself.  I try to shift my activities every two hours or so to keep the blood pumping.  Maybe now I'll have time to remember to water the plants.  I just wish there were more people around.  I think, "man, a mexican popsicle would be great right now!" but there is no one to go with.  And the thought of sitting outside of Juanita's bakery by myself just isn't right.  Who would marvel alongside me at the neighboring display windows with fluffy quincenera dresses embroidered with the Virgin of Guadalupe?  I have no friends left in Provo.  Correction - I have no single friends left in Provo.  Thanks for living here married's, but it just doesn't work the same.  I've thought about trying to make new friends but what's the point, I'm leaving in a month anyway.  It's just too much work.  I wouldn't be getting a good return on my investment.  I don't need to meet anyone else here.  I already have a place to stay when I come back to Utah, I can borrow a car from my family, and I know where I like to eat.  So if I already know you and you want to get a mexican popsicle sometime go ahead and give me a ring. 

Shot through the heart... and HIM's too late

God has put a stick in the spokes of our love.  He did it in the form of a rejection letter from the University of Manitoba letting HIM know he would not have the pleasure of wintering 4 years in sunny Winnipeg.  To some this might seem like a blessing, but to me it was a curse.  It was the final death warrant.  Relationship due date: End of June.  I leave for Texas at the end of June for a month and HIM moves to AZ for school the day before I get back.  

There are no definite plans to see each other again.  That is to say we want to see each other again, I just don't know when I can get out there.  I don't like long distance relationships.  To be honest I don't really see the point.  It's okay if there is a definite direction to the deal - like, say marriage.  But to keep dating just to see if you want to take it further is almost pointless if you rarely see each other.  I feel... not good about it.  

See, I've put off the question on everyone's mind (mostly my mother's) about whether or not we are going to get married.  I just never really tried to figure out what I felt like because I didn't have to.  Then all of a sudden the day HIM found out about school I cracked down on myself.  I really forced myself to think about it and decide.  And I decided that I think I might be into it.  The problem?  Even though HIM's joked about it for months and months and months...he's still not sure.  After all the "our kids this....we'll be married by then....blah blah" he was half kidding.  I always used to squirm in fright when he'd joke but now I just squirm in uncomfortableness that this seems to be a little lop-sided.

HIM just doesn't understand what its going to be like apart.  We've always been face to face and its taken sooo long to get to this point and he is in for a BIG surprise.  HIM just has no idea.  Nothing I say really gets through to HIM.  HIM is still happily listening to his inner voice that keeps saying.."it will all work out.  It will be just fine".

But I just don't run on "it will all work out". 

I'm all out of love - I'm so lost without you..

HIM lied.  HIM lied to me.  To me...what?  It all came out the other night while hanging out with Mike.  Apparently things were a little different with the ho he was dating this fall when he was supposed to be dating me.  I'm over it...now.  

I guess I'm just secure in the knowledge that my status has been elevated in the L-O-V-E department.  That's right, hold on to your seat belts because I have now been given the " I love you...to the lowest degree" status.  So...how many stages are there in the love rating scale?  Should I be looking out for love to the medium degree next?  

Although it would appear that "I love you" has been said, it has not.  Neither of us would agree that it has been sincerely used.  Call me crazy, but I love you to the lowest degree is not, I repeat not, an official I love you.  You know, I'm getting used to all these close calls.  I think if it finally ever happens I won't hear it because I'm so used to brushing off these close calls, it will just be instinct to not pay attention.  It's good and bad that we keep carrying  on this charade.  Neither of us feels pressure and one is not getting their heart stepped on by the other.  But this lazy attitude we both have is not going to push either of us into just saying it already.

I feel it.  I've felt it for a while.  Not consistently, just really strongly during certain great moments.  I'm not sure that great moments really constitute saying something that cannot be taken back.  

Im glad that we both move slowly and carefully but it drives me crazy at the same time. 

It's almost done - but not quite, another minute.

HIM and I had another marathon day today where we spent hours upon hours with each other and it was still fun.  Lunch with younger brother, mall with brother too, crest drive-thru and porch, movie, etc.  Ok, so I slept through part of the movie.  It was a Clint Eastwood western, do you blame me?  I don't like westerns.  

Our friend Mike came into town tonight for graduation.  I was really excited to see him again and get all the juicy details of his whirlwind romance/engagement to his friend Whit of 5 years.  Basically she went to Seattle to visit him and they kissed.  She came again another weekend and they said I love you and a couple days later over videochat they decided to get married.  I think whirlwind isn't a fast enough description of what happened.  And then he proposed on their first date soon after.  Crazy.  Crazy in a good way for them because I think they are truly meant to be but crazy none the less.  

We all went to Beto's for some stomach aches and while there had some jolly good conversations with details from Mike, Stephen and Jeff on their love lives respectively.  Then some teasing and serious questions from Jeff and friends began about HIM and I.  Are we progressing?  Have we said I love you? Etc, etc.  We just laughed them off except when HIM said I love you sideways out of his mouth and we all laughed.  Only I know HIM really means it.  I think he's been trying to say it for a while but just can't quite get it.  He'll throw out "..and that's why I love you" or other things but I just laugh.

Things have been more smooth in this relationship than any past one and I don't feel half as bad as I did in times past.  In fact, I don't ever really feel bad.  But I have rolled my eyes more than I ever have - I'm worried they are going to slowly dis-attach  themselves from my sockets.  Gross.  And I know HIM is trying really hard to get up the courage to say it and I'm OK with it.  HIM told me today marriage scares HIM and I told HIM I felt the same way.  Its good to be on the same page.  But I also told HIM how I couldn't sleep this morning because I had anxiety over my working situation this summer.  I'll be gone for a month.  An entire month.  The last month we could have together.  I hate that.  Especially if HIM goes to school in Arizona he will be gone before I'm done working.  It's just not an ideal situation.  I need to get a job here.  Gone a whole month...I don't know if I can do that.  

As we were parting this evening after everyone went inside I told him "this is silly, we should be able to part easily we've been together for hours and hours" as we lingered by my car.  HIM closed his eyes and said "Ok, I just have to say it".

"Say what?" I responded.

He looked at me, "Oh, nevermind".

"Really?" I said.

"Ok" he stared at me.  "No.."

"OK" I shrugged.

"Wait...there is just no easy way to say this" he froze.  "Oh, never mind" he said turning away.

"OK" I shrugged"

"Wait....no"

"You aren't ready to say it are you?" I questioned.

"Nope" he chuckled turning away again.

"OK" I said getting into my car.

Sweet Nothings

I've been considering taking a job this summer that would take me all over the country - in a good way.  I would work a couple days a week and then travel around the rest of the time on someone else's dime.  But this would of course separate HIM and I for quite a while which is not what I want.  

I told him this last night over a delicious breakfast burrito at Beto's, another of my random weird cravings.  "I'm telling you this because I want to know what you think because you are a factor in decisions I make now.  I know that in the end the decision is mine to make but I like you and I think you should be able to tell me how you feel about it" I said.  HIM got really quiet.  In fact, he was mostly quiet the rest of the night.  I don't think HIM's too keen on me leaving...without HIM.  

But the real jewel of the evening was when he drove me home and topped his "I think I'm going to go for the hand-hold" comment.  I could tell he wanted to say something but he wasn't so I picked and prodded until he finally did.  

"OK...I don't really know how to say this, this might sound harsh.  I'm not going to tell you I love you tonight...but it's basically there."

I couldn't help it, I just started to laugh.  "Well, I'm not going to tell you I love you either" I replied laughing.  HIM is waiting for a moment when his chest feels like it's going to explode  and he just can't hold it in any longer.  I can wait.

Last night was the first time it hit HIM that we have an expiration date of sorts.  D-day.

The kit-n-kaboodle

"So, is HIM pressuring you about marriage?" my Dad asks me tonight while making pot-stickers.  

"AHHHH!  NO!" I almost yelped.  "You and mom are the only ones who bring it up with me all the time".  

Quit it.  Quit asking.  We don't talk about it, we have never talked about it and I don't forsee it coming up in the near future either.  We have got to nip all the questions, nip them in the bud.  

HIM's family came in town last week.  I hate meeting parents.  Anyone's parents, boyfriend, girlfriend, guyfriend, whatever.  But I sucked it up and met them and they are really nice.  The whole family is really nice.  I mean really nice, genuinely nice.  I mentioned this to my brother.  "I think you'll find that most families are really nice.  I think it's just ours that is different" he said.  I guess so.  

Just how nice can I train myself to be?

House of Jealous Lovers

HIM doesn't get jealous.  Not once, not ever.  And yes, it can be a good thing.  But it can also be a bad thing.  Sometimes its nice to know that someone notices when you are getting attention.  A boy could be blatantly flirting with me in front of HIM and he would never know.  I hate it.  I get jealous...all the time.  It is so one sided.  So we talked about it and I decided that one day I was going to try and make him jealous by telling HIM about recent incidents with boys.  I even showed HIM a note between myself and some guy in my physical science class but he just wasn't jealous, just cocky that he was dating me.  Not exactly what I had in mind.  But trying to make HIM jealous is slowly dying out because I get uncomfortable talking about attention from guys with HIM.  It's exhausting trying to prove I'm the hot ticket in the relationship. 

Futurama

I wish I had something better to write than the fact that I've been having dreams about all the married people I know having terrible marriages.  It seems like every night I go to sleep my thoughts are possessed with marriage not working out.  Why is this?  Mo thinks I'm stressing out over marriage and I think she's right.  Maybe it's because everyone is asking me how things are going with HIM and if I think we'll get married.  Well...things are fine and I don't know.  But I do know that all these questions are making me lose sleep which is bad for everyone.  

HIM and I are on a times table of sorts.  There is this impending deadline sometime in August that is a cutting off point for....something.  A break up?  An engagement?  A wedding?  All possibilities.  I hate people telling me what to do when they are not paying me.  I hate this invisible deadline for giving me nightmares and undue stress.  I hate that my life is wide open but could have to revolve around someone else's.  I really hate that it already does revolve around someone else's.  Most people are afraid of doing things alone.  I'm afraid of doing things with someone else.  I have two trains of thought right now.  One is me in my singleness with the wide open future and the promise of being able to move anywhere I want and experience new things and new people.  The other is me waiting to hear where HIM is going and wondering if I'll be going too.  I've placed both on the balancing scales of justice and keep waiting for them to stop moving so I can clearly see which is more beneficial.  But they keep bobbing up and down never settling.

But at least I think he finally gets that I am pretty good for him.  

Say it, don't spray it

Has the right restaurant or lighting or kiss made you blurt out things you didn't really mean?  Like after a good meal when you are looking at your date and you want to tell them you love them because the roasted squash salad was that good?  This has been happening to me a lot lately.  It's a very dangerous state to be wandering around in.  I'm liable to say all sorts of sentimental things I would want to take back later while snuggled up on the couch with a cup of perfectly brewed pero.  I can't tell you how many times my mouth has filled up like someone just blew air into it with crazy sweet nothings, and each time I gulp them right back down.  The last thing I want right now is an "I love you" out there just floating around our heads.  Not ready yet.  

Last night while waiting for the water to boil for our hot chocolate HIM I were smooching for a bit and it happened again.  But it was much stronger this time.  My chest was starting to feel tight and there was a long slow burn smoldering underneath.  I thought "oh no, put it away.  Squash this back to where it came from - the bad lighting and warm tea kettle".  So I pushed it away and moved on.  Then HIM said " I don't know how to really say this...but I really care about you.  I really like you."  I just smiled as a huge wave of relief washed over me that I was not the only one experiencing the slow burn.  Phew, disaster averted.  Feelings were expressed but not overdone.  Good.  I can do that.  

  

Killing me Softly

Valentines/My Birthday were really great this year!  In fact, for all the years that I was dating someone on my birthday this was definitely the best.  For weeks I had worried that HIM was going to give me a card and not get off work on my birthday.  But then HIM got off work and took me out for my b-day!!  We went to the MOA for a special showing of a private collection of Renaissance paintings and then headed to Salt Lake for dinner.  We went to a greek restaurant called Aristo's and had a delicious 5 course dinner!!  It was late afterwards so we headed home to my house so I could open my present.  HIM got me the perfume I've been wanting forever!!!  For a cheap guy HIM was not so cheap that night.  It was really nice.  HIM can go back to cheap now.

I would say that I had a conversation with my mother last night, but it was more like she talked at me.  I was minding my own business tapping away at my computer and she starts first with the innocent inquiries and then moves into the heavy probing.  

"So...you like Richard, things are going well?"

"yup"

"what is his plan b incase he doesn't get into med school?"

"I don't know.  I haven't asked, although I don't think he needs one"

"So his scores were pretty good?"

"sure?  he was happy with them"

"what is his plan for this summer?  What is your plan?"

"so...do you think things will get serious?"

"I don't know.  Its only been a month and a half"

"Well, you need to plan ahead"

"Ok, I think I have some time"

"Are you guys going to get married?"

"What!  I think I have some time to think about this, we haven't been dating that long"

"Your father asked me after one month"

"And you said no!"

"Yeah...well, I had to in my situation.  Look, I need to plan my summer trips and I need to know if I need to plan for a wedding"

"WHOA!!!  I am NOT thinking about that right now.  Let's give it some more time shall we?  Thanks".

And that is an abbreviated version.  What is the rush!?  Let's say things keep going well into the summer, do we have to decide before he leaves for Med school?  I have never understood not dating for a long time.  I know that circumstances change but will I?   

The swoop and lock

"So....I think I'm going to go for the hand-hold when we are looking at art tomorrow night"

"HA HA HA.  Wait........why did you just tell me that?"

"Uh......ha ha.  Uh...I was just kidding"

"No you weren't"

"I know!  I shouldn't have said that out loud, huh?"

"Nope"

Excerpts from a conversation HIM and I were having as I drove HIM home a couple of nights ago.  It was the result of an earlier conversation that day about how I would like a little more affection in public so that it doesn't look like we are on an awkward first date all the time.  And also so that more people will know we are dating so they stop flirting with me in front of HIM.  It gets a little uncomfortable sometimes.  No, it gets a lot uncomfortable sometimes.  Even better was when he leaned over to give me a smooch goodbye and put his hand on top of mine and said, " a little preview of tomorrow night".  Hmmmmm......I feel so lucky?  

Actually, I do feel lucky.  Lucky to know someone who can say those things to me without me wanting to throw-up and push them out of a moving car.  I don't know why - and trust me, I have tried to figure it out - HIM can say things like that all the time and I think its cute.

HIM did in fact go for the hand-hold the next night.  It was just what I expected, an awkward surprise!  We had just finished watching HIM's friends performance art so I turned to walk out in front of HIM and WHAM!  HIM's hand swoops in from the back of me into my hand.  It actually kind of scared me.  You know, someone grabbing your hand all of a sudden from the back when you can't see them.  "Wow, that was really smooth" I told HIM as we walked out.  We both knew it was not so smooth, but just fine by me.  Hey, HIM is trying and always takes my suggestions and runs with them.  

Maybe there is a good book for HIM with pointers?  

Pot-luck

I think I have a problem.  An unusual problem.  A problem that has never presented itself before now.  I think HIM is a better person than me, I really do.  I literally think that he has more good bones in his body than me.  This is believe it or not a foreign thing for me.  I have always been the better person in relationships.  It's true!  Now, I'm not that good, so you can imagine the kind of people I was dating.  Wait...you all know the kind of people I was dating.  I'm not sure what to do.  This is bad I think.  

My friend Natalie used to say that you should marry someone who is not as good looking as you so they will always be grateful to have you.  I agree with Natalie, but does this apply to 'goodness' as well?  HIM turns his head when there is any hint of suggestive material in a movie or changes the channel on the TV.  What?!  I don't know many guys like that.  Don't get me wrong, I like it.  But then there is me who watches and takes notes for future reference.  See the problem here?  Is he going to discover this sooner or later or does he notice it now?  He pays for most his music, he's nice to everyone, etc, etc.  I can't claim either of those most days.  They say (they being the people who decide everything) that you should make each other want to be a better person.  Uh.........  I'm not sure I inspire HIM to do anything other than terrible pranks I talk him into to.

Do I need to gorge on goodness right about now?

Define the definition

GROSS: How I feel when I remember that I told my mom on Sat. night that I actually kissed HIM.  She kept pressing for info so I told her we were dating.  "What do you mean dating?  Did he ask you if you wanted to date?" she wondered.  "Mom....nobody asks if you want 'to date' anymore." I replied.  "Then how do you know?" she pushed further.  "We've kissed Mom.  We are dating" I said without thinking.  Its not that she doesn't know I've ever kissed someone, its just the first time I've admitted to it out loud.  Gross.

RELIEF:  What I feel now that this past weekend is over.  It was a little rough for HIM and I.  Its complicated but it involves too many group activities, Finnish linger-longers, the slowest, longest, worst Japanese movie ever and my bad attitude.

SMITTEN:  How HIM described feeling when he saw me looking all fine in the kitchen last night.  I've never hear that before - I think I liked it.   

Self-Destruction

What am I doing?  I just realized something today.  Something BIG.  Would class-friend Ryan skip class sometimes to hang out with me when I complain about not wanting to be bored for the next hour or would mustache Seth basically let me copy half his homework if they thought I had a boyfriend?  I've have just barely been tapping into my best resource on campus: Men.  Thats right, the opposite sex is the key to my success.  They always have been.  They save me seats in class, email me things I miss when gone, help me with or even just do my projects, and are willing to study anytime, anywhere.  I have no class-friends that are girls.  None.  

And then I really started thinking about it and panic set in.  I don't know if I'm ready for this.  Thoughts of future commitment began to tighten my throat like a really itchy wool turtleneck and I started to feel... suffocated.  The rest of the day I couldn't let it go.  This feeling of terror.  I get like this sometimes when it comes to committing to things, but didn't I want this all along?  Its like having a lump of bread caught in your throat and you have no water.  It just sits there applying pressure to your lungs.

I don't know how to survive in a non-single world anymore.  Every class, job, whatever, I have used my feminine wiles to help me.  I'm good at smiling extra big when I want something, or sitting on a desk to hear about the latest camping trip.  Don't get me wrong, I'm far from the office skank - but I do know how to use my femininity for my benefit.  This all has to be curbed when in a relationship or married.  Making friends with the ladies who sit in the break room who cross-stitch and talk about grandkids and cats doesn't seem so appealing.

I ran into HIM in the library tonight.  I just watched HIM talking to me about something and I just kept thinking in my head, "is this what you want?  Is he really what you want"?  I gave him a ride home and he invited me in for some Pero.  I still couldn't shake the nasty doubt.  And once again "is this what you really want?" echoed in my head as I searched all the planes of his face.  We don't even have a commitment.

Why am I doing this?

Lip Service

I wonder if HIM talks about me.  Did he tell his parents about me when he was home?  Has he said anything to his grandparents about me?  What does he tell his friends?  Or does he?  Because I have started to say we are dating when people inquire.  It feels weird to say even though I think its an accurate description of the situation.  

We went on a date Friday night and had a good time - Indian food and then a movie.  It was just the two of us sitting down to enjoy a movie without the usual posse for the first time.  It was nice to have something new.  Then Mike came home in the middle and had to make a big deal about the fact the HIM had his arm around me and I was leaning into HIM.  Grow up.  Mike has been acting weird with me ever since Rich and I picked up again.  I don't want to think too much about it, but it's like he's trying to rub his most recent hook-up in my face for some reason.  I'm not insinuating anything by saying that except that I think our dating makes him feel really weird - I guess.   

Things have been great, though not at all like any relationship I've had thus far.  I think we are very good at not singling each other out in group situations which is nice.  But when we are together, just the two of us, I feel...really happy.  It should be harder to describe than that, but it's just happiness.  Such a departure from the mixed-up feelings and ups and downs I have gotten used to.  You know, its funny how sometimes you can convince yourself that you have done too many stupid things and messed up too many times to deserve something better than good.  I've always worried that I have deviated too much from my path in life to be able to have the righteous man promised to me in my PB. 

 Not saying this is it, that the road ends with this one - But maybe I hope so.

OH, so you're back

I totally wussed-out last night.  I got Tara to go to their house with me, I just couldn't go it alone.  Right when I got there I parked it on the couch so when HIM came up I could avoid the awkward hug thing.  So when I finally saw HIM it was like, "hey, welcome back!".  I didn't even get up.  Then HIM sat next to me on the couch and still nothing.  

This is when you know I really like someone - I can't show it.  Things weren't weird, it was just everyone hanging out again like normal.  Except everyone knows.  We went to a friends house and then went back to their house where I immediately went home because I had to get up early this morning.  

This whole time I was planning on at least hugging HIM hello.  Why couldn't I just do it?  I get embarrassed by the stupidest things.  It felt like that time I went on a date with HIM and I couldn't tell HIM that he looked good because.....I don't know why exactly.

But HIM did get a nice new pair of jeans...really nice. 

Don't look at me

Ok, I was kidding about Paris changing my life.  But I think I am avoiding HIM a little.  I picked doing math homework over going out with our friends.  That NEVER happens.  It's just that it's been so long and everyone knows - including his roommates.  I just don't know how to act when I see him.  People will be watching.  It's the fishbowl scenario.  

I was telling this today to my friend Jess on the phone and she said it reminded her of a story.  A story of a Moose stuck in the middle of a frozen lake that had to be rescued.  "Are you saying I'm the moose"? I asked scratching my head.  "Yes, you need a little help" she told me.  Agreed, I could always use a little help.  But at least if I was that moose I would have kicked the ice around me cracking it to help free myself - I think.

But now I'm avoiding talking about the fact that I'm avoiding HIM.  I'm in pajamas surrounded by text books writing this instead of going over there.  It can wait until tomorrow, right?  I've already waited 3 wks, whats a couple more days?  I am such a wuss.   My heart is palpitating.

Its this kind of performance anxiety that has kept me from doing the 'muscle show' for years.

Tell me that you do

HIM comes back tonight.  I don't know when I'm going to see him seeing as school has overrun my life.  I'm listening to a lot of Paris Hilton right now.  I don't know if there is a correlation there or not.  

Actually, some of the lyrics are well suited for this occasion...."since I'm already screwed here's a message to you - my heart's wide open.  I'm just not getting through to the lover in you...but I'm still hopin'".  You really need to give the music a chance.  

I did, and it changed my life...

I want you to want me....to talk about me

If there is one thing I know its that I need attention.  It may be a flaw, but its a true flaw - the worst kind.  I also know that when I complain about something I would like some sympathy.  Nothing too gooey or über-supportive, just a nice "yeah, that does suck".  I like to feel validated in my frustrations.  

The lack of contact with HIM and the lack of "yeah, that does suck" from HIM have begun an internal quest for clarification.  Ok, so you are not my boyfriend...by far.  But we did kiss once and then you left.  So now what?  I can't expect much sympathy out of you, except that before you were in no-mans land you were my friend.  You have always been my friend.  If you were stressed I would talk about it with you, because we're friends.  I don't think its too much to ask.  Except when I think about it you tell me all the time when you are having a bad day and I always listen and tell you that it sucks.  It is not too much to ask.  Disappointment.

So can I hang out with any boy that I want to?  I think so.  Can I get boys to take classes with me?  I think so, because I already did.  Would it be ok to go to parties that boys invite me to without you?  You betcha, I guess.  I think I've drawn the line at going on dates with other people.  I've put myself in HIM's situation and I would not like it if he was going on dates with other girls, so I won't.  Not that anyones asking...yet.  

Currently fighting that needy feeling.  Any thoughts? 

You say tomato, I say shut-up

I'm going to need a little more sympathy than that HIM.  Perhaps when I tell you that my day sucked you should respond with more than "ah, the first day of school.  C'est la vie".  Well, its my vie and it sucked today - no thanks to you.  Did we just have our first fight?  Ha ha. 

Cute boys were coming out of the woodworks today.  Campus seemed infested with them.  Well, more than usual anyway.  And of course they all show up during my maybe last semester and when I'm finally interested in someone.  Stupid boys showing up at the last minute....

I think I met a great boy in class today for Cousin E.  He had great jeans and a sick mustache.   Perfect.  

I don't have a square to spare.

I got tired of texting and computer chatting every so often, so luckily HIM decided to give me a call last night. HIM has a great phone voice. I don't know what it is, but it is definitely en fuego.

A week. A stupid week to wait to see if the plane that is taxiing on the runway can actually take off.

A week. A stupid week that I spent in LA having a really good time - its been 24hrs now and I'm starting to forget what Stasy's face looks like. Unfortunately I haven't begun to forget what the CHP officers face looks like. He wanted to ask me out? But I don't even live in the same state...and he's blond. I also remember the face of the other boy someone wanted to set me up with. I met him and he is definitely not my type. Once again everyone, just because two people are single doesn't mean they are compatible. Even if he did produce Napoleon Dynamite, especially if he produced ND.

No thanks, I'm already quite satisfied.

Voîla!!

I did it!  I most certainly got a kiss on New Years.  Poor Todd the Bod (not my nickname), I just stood there with my lips puckered until he obliged me.  He was standing closest to me.  Now I have nothing left to accomplish the rest of the year.  Feels good.  

HIM told me how he narrowly escaped slow dancing to "I don't want to miss a thing" at the Stake Family New Years Dance.  Family dance you say?  That's crazy...and not in a good way.  Thats too bad for HIM.  I spent the night dancing my feet into painful submission.  

It was a really good night, a really good year.  This trip to LA has just put and kept me in the best mood imaginable.  Still, my days here are numbered and then back to the gray skies.  When I get back there will still be one more week until HIM gets back - boo.

HIM is a much, much better kisser then I expected.....