Everybody hurts

I haven't written anything in a long time.  It's been over a month since that last one, almost two months I guess.  I just didn't want to put down what was really going on for fear that I would read it later and realize how pathetic I sounded.  I hate sounding wounded like a damsel in distress.  But to sum it all up I AM in distress.  I've never been so emotional - ever.  Anything can set me off.  A cheesy commercial, someone else's wedding invitation or worse, anything i can watch with couples in it.  

I often wonder how I got to this point.  What was the trigger?  If I could rewind the past couple months and not do what I did to end up here then I would.  But there are too many what-if's to consider here.  I could kill myself analyzing what happened.  I have been killing myself.  

I guess to put it in a nutshell I exposed all my feelings to HIM.  You know, what I truly thought: that I love HIM.  Doesn't sound so bad, does it?  But it is.  It is BAD.  It wasn't just " I love you".  It was " I love you, I could spend the rest of my life with you".  There it is.  The phrase that started the downward spiral, "I could spend the rest of my life with you".  

I wasn't so sure of that myself until I went to North Carolina for a couple of days in July to spend time with HIM and HIM's family.  I just knew that things were going to be different after that.  That those couple of days would make everything closer to perfect.  The sand and the sun were going to be the magic potion, the secret ingredient we were missing to solidify it all.  And I was right.  At least half-way.  I fell more in love.  I - me - myself fell more in love.   He stayed the same.  We had the same conversation about the future that we always have.  Nothing has changed, except HIM knows about my devotion and I know nothing about his.  

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" the stupid old saying goes.  And although I know it applies more to things of the flesh than commitment, it still applies.  Why should he make any big decisions when he knows he has me?  He has all the confidence in the world that I'll be there for HIM.  I've exposed my soft inner shell and I'm just waiting to get screwed.  It's like I've gone to the beach without any sun-block on.  The first outing to the beach after a long winter and I'm sitting there hoping to get a little tan and the more I sit there the more my skin begins to crisp up but I don't know it until I'm out of the sun in the shade and then it's too late.  I'm burned.  And I have to spend the next couple of days in pain trying to relieve the burning.

I'm over burning. I wear sun block at all times now when I'm in the sun.  I will NOT get burned the way I used to.  I take precautions.   

For now I sit and wait.  I'm a total wreck.  But worse, I'm convinced it's HIM's fault.  HIM told me HIM loved me first.  HIM joked about getting married and proposing to me.  Then HIM retracted all the statements and then ha.  Jokes on me.  I'm starting to resent HIM.  HIM is bringing more worry than happy.  

I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to do anymore to make it better.

No man is an island

"Did you fall out of bed"? asked my mother this morning as I was eating breakfast.  "No, why?" I asked.  "Because I never get to see you up this early".  It was 9:15 am.  And no, I do not always get up late.  It's just that I've had a little more free time than usual while I wait for my new job to start.  I don't want to be lazy and sleep in everyday so I try to get up at a decent hour and keep myself productive - even though I don't really know why.  So I fill up my day by taking walks or borrowing my moms trike to take a spin around the neighborhood.  I read on the porch or with my legs propped up against a wall to keep the varicose veins away.  I made myself take two days to finish A Thousand Splendid Suns so I could have more time to fill up.  I'm not complaining, it is just odd to have so much time to yourself.  I try to shift my activities every two hours or so to keep the blood pumping.  Maybe now I'll have time to remember to water the plants.  I just wish there were more people around.  I think, "man, a mexican popsicle would be great right now!" but there is no one to go with.  And the thought of sitting outside of Juanita's bakery by myself just isn't right.  Who would marvel alongside me at the neighboring display windows with fluffy quincenera dresses embroidered with the Virgin of Guadalupe?  I have no friends left in Provo.  Correction - I have no single friends left in Provo.  Thanks for living here married's, but it just doesn't work the same.  I've thought about trying to make new friends but what's the point, I'm leaving in a month anyway.  It's just too much work.  I wouldn't be getting a good return on my investment.  I don't need to meet anyone else here.  I already have a place to stay when I come back to Utah, I can borrow a car from my family, and I know where I like to eat.  So if I already know you and you want to get a mexican popsicle sometime go ahead and give me a ring.