It's a nice day for a white wedding

So much to say, most of which I don't remember and don't have the energy for.  Needless to say I'm getting married in 2 1/2 weeks.  To HIM.  I don't know how it happened except I remember wanting it to happen.  And then it happened.  And then I wished that maybe I had held off a little bit.  

Marriage.  I don't what it is.  I don't know what it's like and I'm going in head first.  Scary.  People keep asking me if I'm excited but all I can do is smile nervously and mutter noises while looking anywhere but into their eyes.  I haven't been able to express exactly how I feel.  It's not HIM.  HIM is so great and my family loves HIM and HIM loves them back.  I even love HIM, and HIM loves me back.  It's the commitment.  Pure and simple.  It's the end of an era - the era being my life.  It feels like my life is over.   I really feel like the giant steel doors are closing tight around me.  I know I shouldn't feel like that but I can't help it.  I thrive on dreaming of places to go and sometimes even going there.  I've spent the last couple of years learning and traveling and meeting loads of great new people.  It's all over.  

So now with 2 weeks to go I've been trying to convince myself that life is in fact not over, but taking a surprising twist.  Because if I really think about it then I realize that I will be moving to two different states this year.  That is quite the adventure.  And with HIM joining the Air Force, who knows where we will be going.  Yippee!  Adventure!

I guess when it really comes down to it I'm scared.  I'm scared of being with the same man the rest of my life.  Of leaving my family and the comfort of this house for good.  That I will have to pay all my bills and make couple friends.  I can't believe I have to start my own family.  The weight of that one responsibility alone weighs on me.  I don't know if I can do it. 

How am I going to do this?

Everybody hurts

I haven't written anything in a long time.  It's been over a month since that last one, almost two months I guess.  I just didn't want to put down what was really going on for fear that I would read it later and realize how pathetic I sounded.  I hate sounding wounded like a damsel in distress.  But to sum it all up I AM in distress.  I've never been so emotional - ever.  Anything can set me off.  A cheesy commercial, someone else's wedding invitation or worse, anything i can watch with couples in it.  

I often wonder how I got to this point.  What was the trigger?  If I could rewind the past couple months and not do what I did to end up here then I would.  But there are too many what-if's to consider here.  I could kill myself analyzing what happened.  I have been killing myself.  

I guess to put it in a nutshell I exposed all my feelings to HIM.  You know, what I truly thought: that I love HIM.  Doesn't sound so bad, does it?  But it is.  It is BAD.  It wasn't just " I love you".  It was " I love you, I could spend the rest of my life with you".  There it is.  The phrase that started the downward spiral, "I could spend the rest of my life with you".  

I wasn't so sure of that myself until I went to North Carolina for a couple of days in July to spend time with HIM and HIM's family.  I just knew that things were going to be different after that.  That those couple of days would make everything closer to perfect.  The sand and the sun were going to be the magic potion, the secret ingredient we were missing to solidify it all.  And I was right.  At least half-way.  I fell more in love.  I - me - myself fell more in love.   He stayed the same.  We had the same conversation about the future that we always have.  Nothing has changed, except HIM knows about my devotion and I know nothing about his.  

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" the stupid old saying goes.  And although I know it applies more to things of the flesh than commitment, it still applies.  Why should he make any big decisions when he knows he has me?  He has all the confidence in the world that I'll be there for HIM.  I've exposed my soft inner shell and I'm just waiting to get screwed.  It's like I've gone to the beach without any sun-block on.  The first outing to the beach after a long winter and I'm sitting there hoping to get a little tan and the more I sit there the more my skin begins to crisp up but I don't know it until I'm out of the sun in the shade and then it's too late.  I'm burned.  And I have to spend the next couple of days in pain trying to relieve the burning.

I'm over burning. I wear sun block at all times now when I'm in the sun.  I will NOT get burned the way I used to.  I take precautions.   

For now I sit and wait.  I'm a total wreck.  But worse, I'm convinced it's HIM's fault.  HIM told me HIM loved me first.  HIM joked about getting married and proposing to me.  Then HIM retracted all the statements and then ha.  Jokes on me.  I'm starting to resent HIM.  HIM is bringing more worry than happy.  

I'm at a loss.  I don't know what to do anymore to make it better.

No man is an island

"Did you fall out of bed"? asked my mother this morning as I was eating breakfast.  "No, why?" I asked.  "Because I never get to see you up this early".  It was 9:15 am.  And no, I do not always get up late.  It's just that I've had a little more free time than usual while I wait for my new job to start.  I don't want to be lazy and sleep in everyday so I try to get up at a decent hour and keep myself productive - even though I don't really know why.  So I fill up my day by taking walks or borrowing my moms trike to take a spin around the neighborhood.  I read on the porch or with my legs propped up against a wall to keep the varicose veins away.  I made myself take two days to finish A Thousand Splendid Suns so I could have more time to fill up.  I'm not complaining, it is just odd to have so much time to yourself.  I try to shift my activities every two hours or so to keep the blood pumping.  Maybe now I'll have time to remember to water the plants.  I just wish there were more people around.  I think, "man, a mexican popsicle would be great right now!" but there is no one to go with.  And the thought of sitting outside of Juanita's bakery by myself just isn't right.  Who would marvel alongside me at the neighboring display windows with fluffy quincenera dresses embroidered with the Virgin of Guadalupe?  I have no friends left in Provo.  Correction - I have no single friends left in Provo.  Thanks for living here married's, but it just doesn't work the same.  I've thought about trying to make new friends but what's the point, I'm leaving in a month anyway.  It's just too much work.  I wouldn't be getting a good return on my investment.  I don't need to meet anyone else here.  I already have a place to stay when I come back to Utah, I can borrow a car from my family, and I know where I like to eat.  So if I already know you and you want to get a mexican popsicle sometime go ahead and give me a ring. 

Shot through the heart... and HIM's too late

God has put a stick in the spokes of our love.  He did it in the form of a rejection letter from the University of Manitoba letting HIM know he would not have the pleasure of wintering 4 years in sunny Winnipeg.  To some this might seem like a blessing, but to me it was a curse.  It was the final death warrant.  Relationship due date: End of June.  I leave for Texas at the end of June for a month and HIM moves to AZ for school the day before I get back.  

There are no definite plans to see each other again.  That is to say we want to see each other again, I just don't know when I can get out there.  I don't like long distance relationships.  To be honest I don't really see the point.  It's okay if there is a definite direction to the deal - like, say marriage.  But to keep dating just to see if you want to take it further is almost pointless if you rarely see each other.  I feel... not good about it.  

See, I've put off the question on everyone's mind (mostly my mother's) about whether or not we are going to get married.  I just never really tried to figure out what I felt like because I didn't have to.  Then all of a sudden the day HIM found out about school I cracked down on myself.  I really forced myself to think about it and decide.  And I decided that I think I might be into it.  The problem?  Even though HIM's joked about it for months and months and months...he's still not sure.  After all the "our kids this....we'll be married by then....blah blah" he was half kidding.  I always used to squirm in fright when he'd joke but now I just squirm in uncomfortableness that this seems to be a little lop-sided.

HIM just doesn't understand what its going to be like apart.  We've always been face to face and its taken sooo long to get to this point and he is in for a BIG surprise.  HIM just has no idea.  Nothing I say really gets through to HIM.  HIM is still happily listening to his inner voice that keeps saying.."it will all work out.  It will be just fine".

But I just don't run on "it will all work out". 

I'm all out of love - I'm so lost without you..

HIM lied.  HIM lied to me.  To me...what?  It all came out the other night while hanging out with Mike.  Apparently things were a little different with the ho he was dating this fall when he was supposed to be dating me.  I'm over it...now.  

I guess I'm just secure in the knowledge that my status has been elevated in the L-O-V-E department.  That's right, hold on to your seat belts because I have now been given the " I love you...to the lowest degree" status.  So...how many stages are there in the love rating scale?  Should I be looking out for love to the medium degree next?  

Although it would appear that "I love you" has been said, it has not.  Neither of us would agree that it has been sincerely used.  Call me crazy, but I love you to the lowest degree is not, I repeat not, an official I love you.  You know, I'm getting used to all these close calls.  I think if it finally ever happens I won't hear it because I'm so used to brushing off these close calls, it will just be instinct to not pay attention.  It's good and bad that we keep carrying  on this charade.  Neither of us feels pressure and one is not getting their heart stepped on by the other.  But this lazy attitude we both have is not going to push either of us into just saying it already.

I feel it.  I've felt it for a while.  Not consistently, just really strongly during certain great moments.  I'm not sure that great moments really constitute saying something that cannot be taken back.  

Im glad that we both move slowly and carefully but it drives me crazy at the same time. 

It's almost done - but not quite, another minute.

HIM and I had another marathon day today where we spent hours upon hours with each other and it was still fun.  Lunch with younger brother, mall with brother too, crest drive-thru and porch, movie, etc.  Ok, so I slept through part of the movie.  It was a Clint Eastwood western, do you blame me?  I don't like westerns.  

Our friend Mike came into town tonight for graduation.  I was really excited to see him again and get all the juicy details of his whirlwind romance/engagement to his friend Whit of 5 years.  Basically she went to Seattle to visit him and they kissed.  She came again another weekend and they said I love you and a couple days later over videochat they decided to get married.  I think whirlwind isn't a fast enough description of what happened.  And then he proposed on their first date soon after.  Crazy.  Crazy in a good way for them because I think they are truly meant to be but crazy none the less.  

We all went to Beto's for some stomach aches and while there had some jolly good conversations with details from Mike, Stephen and Jeff on their love lives respectively.  Then some teasing and serious questions from Jeff and friends began about HIM and I.  Are we progressing?  Have we said I love you? Etc, etc.  We just laughed them off except when HIM said I love you sideways out of his mouth and we all laughed.  Only I know HIM really means it.  I think he's been trying to say it for a while but just can't quite get it.  He'll throw out "..and that's why I love you" or other things but I just laugh.

Things have been more smooth in this relationship than any past one and I don't feel half as bad as I did in times past.  In fact, I don't ever really feel bad.  But I have rolled my eyes more than I ever have - I'm worried they are going to slowly dis-attach  themselves from my sockets.  Gross.  And I know HIM is trying really hard to get up the courage to say it and I'm OK with it.  HIM told me today marriage scares HIM and I told HIM I felt the same way.  Its good to be on the same page.  But I also told HIM how I couldn't sleep this morning because I had anxiety over my working situation this summer.  I'll be gone for a month.  An entire month.  The last month we could have together.  I hate that.  Especially if HIM goes to school in Arizona he will be gone before I'm done working.  It's just not an ideal situation.  I need to get a job here.  Gone a whole month...I don't know if I can do that.  

As we were parting this evening after everyone went inside I told him "this is silly, we should be able to part easily we've been together for hours and hours" as we lingered by my car.  HIM closed his eyes and said "Ok, I just have to say it".

"Say what?" I responded.

He looked at me, "Oh, nevermind".

"Really?" I said.

"Ok" he stared at me.  "No.."

"OK" I shrugged.

"Wait...there is just no easy way to say this" he froze.  "Oh, never mind" he said turning away.

"OK" I shrugged"

"Wait....no"

"You aren't ready to say it are you?" I questioned.

"Nope" he chuckled turning away again.

"OK" I said getting into my car.

Sweet Nothings

I've been considering taking a job this summer that would take me all over the country - in a good way.  I would work a couple days a week and then travel around the rest of the time on someone else's dime.  But this would of course separate HIM and I for quite a while which is not what I want.  

I told him this last night over a delicious breakfast burrito at Beto's, another of my random weird cravings.  "I'm telling you this because I want to know what you think because you are a factor in decisions I make now.  I know that in the end the decision is mine to make but I like you and I think you should be able to tell me how you feel about it" I said.  HIM got really quiet.  In fact, he was mostly quiet the rest of the night.  I don't think HIM's too keen on me leaving...without HIM.  

But the real jewel of the evening was when he drove me home and topped his "I think I'm going to go for the hand-hold" comment.  I could tell he wanted to say something but he wasn't so I picked and prodded until he finally did.  

"OK...I don't really know how to say this, this might sound harsh.  I'm not going to tell you I love you tonight...but it's basically there."

I couldn't help it, I just started to laugh.  "Well, I'm not going to tell you I love you either" I replied laughing.  HIM is waiting for a moment when his chest feels like it's going to explode  and he just can't hold it in any longer.  I can wait.

Last night was the first time it hit HIM that we have an expiration date of sorts.  D-day.