I'm all out of love - I'm so lost without you..

HIM lied.  HIM lied to me.  To me...what?  It all came out the other night while hanging out with Mike.  Apparently things were a little different with the ho he was dating this fall when he was supposed to be dating me.  I'm over it...now.  

I guess I'm just secure in the knowledge that my status has been elevated in the L-O-V-E department.  That's right, hold on to your seat belts because I have now been given the " I love you...to the lowest degree" status.  So...how many stages are there in the love rating scale?  Should I be looking out for love to the medium degree next?  

Although it would appear that "I love you" has been said, it has not.  Neither of us would agree that it has been sincerely used.  Call me crazy, but I love you to the lowest degree is not, I repeat not, an official I love you.  You know, I'm getting used to all these close calls.  I think if it finally ever happens I won't hear it because I'm so used to brushing off these close calls, it will just be instinct to not pay attention.  It's good and bad that we keep carrying  on this charade.  Neither of us feels pressure and one is not getting their heart stepped on by the other.  But this lazy attitude we both have is not going to push either of us into just saying it already.

I feel it.  I've felt it for a while.  Not consistently, just really strongly during certain great moments.  I'm not sure that great moments really constitute saying something that cannot be taken back.  

Im glad that we both move slowly and carefully but it drives me crazy at the same time. 

It's almost done - but not quite, another minute.

HIM and I had another marathon day today where we spent hours upon hours with each other and it was still fun.  Lunch with younger brother, mall with brother too, crest drive-thru and porch, movie, etc.  Ok, so I slept through part of the movie.  It was a Clint Eastwood western, do you blame me?  I don't like westerns.  

Our friend Mike came into town tonight for graduation.  I was really excited to see him again and get all the juicy details of his whirlwind romance/engagement to his friend Whit of 5 years.  Basically she went to Seattle to visit him and they kissed.  She came again another weekend and they said I love you and a couple days later over videochat they decided to get married.  I think whirlwind isn't a fast enough description of what happened.  And then he proposed on their first date soon after.  Crazy.  Crazy in a good way for them because I think they are truly meant to be but crazy none the less.  

We all went to Beto's for some stomach aches and while there had some jolly good conversations with details from Mike, Stephen and Jeff on their love lives respectively.  Then some teasing and serious questions from Jeff and friends began about HIM and I.  Are we progressing?  Have we said I love you? Etc, etc.  We just laughed them off except when HIM said I love you sideways out of his mouth and we all laughed.  Only I know HIM really means it.  I think he's been trying to say it for a while but just can't quite get it.  He'll throw out "..and that's why I love you" or other things but I just laugh.

Things have been more smooth in this relationship than any past one and I don't feel half as bad as I did in times past.  In fact, I don't ever really feel bad.  But I have rolled my eyes more than I ever have - I'm worried they are going to slowly dis-attach  themselves from my sockets.  Gross.  And I know HIM is trying really hard to get up the courage to say it and I'm OK with it.  HIM told me today marriage scares HIM and I told HIM I felt the same way.  Its good to be on the same page.  But I also told HIM how I couldn't sleep this morning because I had anxiety over my working situation this summer.  I'll be gone for a month.  An entire month.  The last month we could have together.  I hate that.  Especially if HIM goes to school in Arizona he will be gone before I'm done working.  It's just not an ideal situation.  I need to get a job here.  Gone a whole month...I don't know if I can do that.  

As we were parting this evening after everyone went inside I told him "this is silly, we should be able to part easily we've been together for hours and hours" as we lingered by my car.  HIM closed his eyes and said "Ok, I just have to say it".

"Say what?" I responded.

He looked at me, "Oh, nevermind".

"Really?" I said.

"Ok" he stared at me.  "No.."

"OK" I shrugged.

"Wait...there is just no easy way to say this" he froze.  "Oh, never mind" he said turning away.

"OK" I shrugged"

"Wait....no"

"You aren't ready to say it are you?" I questioned.

"Nope" he chuckled turning away again.

"OK" I said getting into my car.

Sweet Nothings

I've been considering taking a job this summer that would take me all over the country - in a good way.  I would work a couple days a week and then travel around the rest of the time on someone else's dime.  But this would of course separate HIM and I for quite a while which is not what I want.  

I told him this last night over a delicious breakfast burrito at Beto's, another of my random weird cravings.  "I'm telling you this because I want to know what you think because you are a factor in decisions I make now.  I know that in the end the decision is mine to make but I like you and I think you should be able to tell me how you feel about it" I said.  HIM got really quiet.  In fact, he was mostly quiet the rest of the night.  I don't think HIM's too keen on me leaving...without HIM.  

But the real jewel of the evening was when he drove me home and topped his "I think I'm going to go for the hand-hold" comment.  I could tell he wanted to say something but he wasn't so I picked and prodded until he finally did.  

"OK...I don't really know how to say this, this might sound harsh.  I'm not going to tell you I love you tonight...but it's basically there."

I couldn't help it, I just started to laugh.  "Well, I'm not going to tell you I love you either" I replied laughing.  HIM is waiting for a moment when his chest feels like it's going to explode  and he just can't hold it in any longer.  I can wait.

Last night was the first time it hit HIM that we have an expiration date of sorts.  D-day.

The kit-n-kaboodle

"So, is HIM pressuring you about marriage?" my Dad asks me tonight while making pot-stickers.  

"AHHHH!  NO!" I almost yelped.  "You and mom are the only ones who bring it up with me all the time".  

Quit it.  Quit asking.  We don't talk about it, we have never talked about it and I don't forsee it coming up in the near future either.  We have got to nip all the questions, nip them in the bud.  

HIM's family came in town last week.  I hate meeting parents.  Anyone's parents, boyfriend, girlfriend, guyfriend, whatever.  But I sucked it up and met them and they are really nice.  The whole family is really nice.  I mean really nice, genuinely nice.  I mentioned this to my brother.  "I think you'll find that most families are really nice.  I think it's just ours that is different" he said.  I guess so.  

Just how nice can I train myself to be?

House of Jealous Lovers

HIM doesn't get jealous.  Not once, not ever.  And yes, it can be a good thing.  But it can also be a bad thing.  Sometimes its nice to know that someone notices when you are getting attention.  A boy could be blatantly flirting with me in front of HIM and he would never know.  I hate it.  I get jealous...all the time.  It is so one sided.  So we talked about it and I decided that one day I was going to try and make him jealous by telling HIM about recent incidents with boys.  I even showed HIM a note between myself and some guy in my physical science class but he just wasn't jealous, just cocky that he was dating me.  Not exactly what I had in mind.  But trying to make HIM jealous is slowly dying out because I get uncomfortable talking about attention from guys with HIM.  It's exhausting trying to prove I'm the hot ticket in the relationship.