Surf and Turf

I've been trying so hard not to post anything yet for two reasons: 1-I would have sounded like a jealous freak show, which would have been a little too revealing and 2-I have almost had the chance to story tell out loud, one more person tomorrow and then it goes public.

I've been enjoying myself so far in LA. Its not cold, there are great stores and tons of men who may or may not live on the street who like to whistle at me. You know what? I'll take that, street men. Just because they live on the street doesn't mean they've lost their eyes.

Tonight we went to someones house for dinner and I met a lot of cool new people. In fact, the ward today and the get-together tonight were filled with nice people. I like it here. I could do this. Me and all my new niceness could fit in seamlessly. Someone tonight even decided to set me up on a date with a friend in Provo. I'll take that too. Well....sort of. I would go out, but how would HIM feel? It wouldn't be cheating but it almost doesn't seem right....you'll see soon enough.

I decided today that since I'm having a brain-block on resolutions for this year that my resolution is to get a New Years kiss. That's the only thing I have to do this year to fulfill my goals.

I wonder who HIM is going to kiss at the big party up north with families and singles alike? Yikes.

My buddy and me

I miss HIM.

Is that even possible?  Its Christmas, aren't I supposed to not even be thinking about anyone but my family?  Its not working.  Especially when everyone around me brings up HIM every chance they get.  I don't know how everyone knows, but they do.  But its alright because I deserve a little grief once in a while since I am so good at giving it.

I hope everyone is having a great Christmas.  I especially hope the next 2 weeks go by quickly.  Luckily I leave for LA, sunshine and Stasy in a few days - not to mention shopping, friends I love and a pregnant Jess!  

HIM is getting quite popular around here.  If he only knew.

24 hrs of a Christmas Story

I don't even know where to begin.  Some excerpts from conversations over the last couple of days:

"you are different this year.  you are.......nicer"  Thanks, I know I am nicer.  Hope thats a good thing.

"So...I can call you anytime I want to?"  Yes, you can call me whenever you feel like it, just dial me up on your phone.

"I just thought to myself, is this how I want it to begin?  No."  Thanks a lot.  That was your reason?  Stupid.

"Three weeks?  What was I thinking?  Bla!"  Yup, so you better make it up to me when you come back.

There is so much to tell and writing it down just wouldn't do it justice.  This needs to be told in person.  This is quickly moving from a great story to the greatEST story. 

Scent of a woman

The question is.....do I wear my heady, floral, seductive L.A.M.B. - musky yet clean and sexy 'Body' fragrance from V.S. - or my light, french milled soap, almost fruity yet flirty 'Provence' by Clean?

2nd question.....do I go with v-neck, drape neck, turtleneck, scoop neck or low-cut neck?

3rd question....baggy L.A.M.B. pants, fitted L.A.M.B. pants, denim or no-pants?

4th question....do I ask to sit in the nook or do I just move in?

Solo movie tomorrow night.

Houston, we have a problem

Commence freak-out in 5-4-3-2-1.

I was tired and cranky and annoyed at the whole day today, minus my half-hour in the sunshine, and I let it get to me.  I let paranoia creep in slowly at first and then the pace quickened.  Suddenly I was aggravated at my situation.  Then I felt entitled followed by feelings of disdain and then a little pathetic desperation.  I guess those are the normal emotions one feels when trapped in solitary confinement.  But every once in a while the slot in the door opens for some old food and I catch a glimpse of the sunlight and I desperately want out.  

I'm not normally a patient person when I really want something.  I am being sooo patient.  If patience is a virtue then I should be nominated for saint-hood right about now.  Go ahead, pay your alms, light some candles and start reciting at my feet.  Maybe one day some lucky Gentile will see my face in a stain on a wall and become a believer.   I will wear the sad, sorrowful face of a patient woman.  

Patience is not a virtue in this situation.  It is a poison.  And just like they say in mean girls, "when you get bit by a snake you have to suck the poison out, and that's exactly what i had to do".  Well that's exactly what I have to do.

Commence de-poisoning in 5-4-3-2-1

Times Tables

I went out with someone tonight:

Time the date started: 7 pm

Time the date ended: 10 pm

Time I wish the date ended: 8:20 pm

Don't get me wrong, someone was a nice person.  Just not the right person.  Not enough eye content and too much analyzing of his social problems.  I was giving him tips on being more social and getting to know people by the end of the night - not my idea of the best time.  But we did go to the bookstore to "pick out a book we think the other might like".  Now that is my idea of a good time...

I've been tainted by HIM.  Especially when his brother told me today that he was supposed to find out if I had a good time last night.  No, I didn't have a good time last night.  I had a great time last night.  I want to do it every night.

Just.  Kiss.  My.  Face.  Already.

Suggest management sick, not skirt

9 hours.  I spent 9 hours with HIM yesterday.  NINE HOURS.  Who does that unless they are going to Junior Prom in Utah and have to suffer through a 'day-date' before the dance?  I'll tell you who does that: married people and couples.  We are neither.

I had high hopes for those 9 hrs. yesterday.  I thought, "something has to happen".  Well something DID happen.  I discovered that I can spend 9 hrs with HIM and not want to stab my eyes out with a blunt object, so thats good.  We had a good time.  At least I think WE had a good time because I know I did.

But as I lay down in my bed the disappointment came rushing over me, cascading down my back, little rivulets streaming between my toes until I was in a puddle of my own disappointment.  Its like Bridget's friends Shaz says to her, "there's been all this talk.  But has he ever actually stuck his #&^^@&&% tongue down your *#&@&%# throat"?  No.  Which is were the disappointment comes in.  How much longer do I have to wait?  I'm getting restless.  This crumbs thing just isn't working anymore.  

There is no way HIM is leaving for Christmas break without divulging something...anything.  I cannot wait another 3 weeks trying to figure HIM out.  Not going to do it.  

Why doesn't he just kiss my face and get it over with?

Are you there God? Its me, Laquina.

I'm worried.  I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch.  I don't want to believe the new L.A.M.B. sweat pants I just bought are real until they are in my porcelain hands.  I also don't want to believe that my luck is changing.  I've always resisted getting too happy and hopeful about things in the relationship department because they usually explode in some huge fantastic show of black powder and aerosol cans at the end.  I also just don't like to look like the girl I am.  Being giddy about boys was never really my thing, its hard to get used to (just like skinny jeans were at first).

I've been told I'm being too vague as of late.  Its true, I was doing it on purpose.  There is this myth, at least I'm hoping thats what it is, that if you talk about or acknowledge your feelings for someone then it will be ruined.  I'm going to debunk that myth.  If this does get ruined it will be because I said or did something stupid or he just couldn't cut it.  

I'm going out with HIM on friday night after almost two weeks of unmistakable flirting-from HIM.  HA!  To be fair, this last week he has been on pain killers and those always make you like people more than usual, but still.  Its been obvious to me and obviously made me happy.  I'm not a total optimist but I'm letting myself hope for some good this time around.  I'm keeping my options open and going out with other boys, like this sat. night, and I'm happy about those as well. 

Its just that I can tell its different this time around.  Just as I'm stepping out the door he stops me, so typical.  It is so different this time around that if this go doesn't work this might be the end of us - friendship and all.  I stopped praying for boys to like me after I prayed for Nathan Kozlowski to like me in junior high and it didn't work.  But I really want this to work.

If it doesn't then God and I are going to have to have a talk about how I interpret the feelings he gives me. 

C'mon.

Physical Therapy

Uh.......yeah.

My face has done a lot of smiling today. My face also ate 3 cookies and a fudge bar, could have something to do with that. But really, its so much more than the fudge bar.

I feel great. There are no miraculous miracles at this point, but there are tiny shuffling steps turning into a nice walking pace. Walking is just fine with me since it seems I have let these muscles atrophy after crouching down for so long. Time to stretch and get out again.

My weekend has officially filled up. Watch out.

Double vision

Have you ever just known something? You just know it. There is no evidence, no physical proof, you just....know? Does it make you feel ridiculous for knowing something that you can't explain and can't justify?

Has there been something you just needed?  A pull beyond your control?  I hate not feeling in control of my senses.  I hate not being in control in general.  Most of the time I resent this feeling of longing, of being pulled in a different direction.  

I never wanted to be a person who felt like they got every little sign and signal.  That a loaf of bread dropping on the floor actually meant something more than a loaf of breading falling.  But now I'm worried that not wanting to see into anything has left me always seeing past things.  

J'suis fatigué.

Back to life....back to reality

Something is different. I don't know how or why and I won't analyze it, but HIM and I are back to normal.

It may have been hard for the untrained eye to see the underlying awkwardness between us for the past 2 months but it was definitely there. I could feel it. But last week things changed and I haven't looked back since. It feels good to be back. The ease has returned and wether or not it shows I can feel it too.

I finally have my friend back and I can finally be a friend back. I just love normalcy.

Can't wait to sit in my usual seat at dinner tomorrow.

Silence is golden

All quiet on the western front. I haven't written anything because there has been nothing to write. But as soon as I realized that nothing to write about IS actually something to write about I came around. I have hardly flirted with anyone unless you think that smiling at the ogre of a football player in my class is flirting and then I did.

Wait, never mind. I have flirted around town. I have flirted around town in crazy wonderful clothing. But I don't count those because I didn't mean them. Its kind of like breathing, I just do it without thinking about it. Although sometimes I will suddenly gasp for air and then realize that I had temporarily stopped breathing without noticing -yikes.

"The calm before the storm", what does that even mean? I feel like its more of "the heat before the storm" around here. It always gets warmer before it gets cold again. So should I think of my dating life as the 'calm before the storm' or 'the heat before the storm'? One one hand this period of drought could be perceived as just the small time before my cup of love runneth over. Or, I could have some hot flirtations before my cup of love freezeth over until spring. Neither option seems that great.

I kind of feel like I'm hidden in coat check. That someone either lost the ticket for me or is still in the club having fun and is waiting to claim me after a long night. But until then I'm stuck between all the other coats that are usually fake fur rubbing their synthetic fibers on my minky warmth. Mink should never be subjected to that.

Self Help

How to purge someone from your life:
1-delete any text or email messages
2-Leave your phone on the other side of the house, preferably on a different floor where you can't check it every other minute
2-stop answering phone calls
3-don't respond to text messages
4-avoid common areas
5-reserve asking friends for information to every other week or so
6-BIG breathe......delete their phone number.

I've had to follow all of these steps before. Sometimes I just have to do a couple of them for a semi-purge but inevitably I end up following them. They are like my rules of engagement. These steps go for both men and women - I have had to purge a lady friend....it stinks. For some reason I was reminiscing tonight about all my past relationships. Kind of dysfunctional yet always exciting. Guess I'm lucky I made it out mostly in one piece. But why take such extreme measures to cut people out of your life? It made me wonder what dating was like before all of the instant messaging and cell phones and facebooking. Its no wonder more people got married, they didn't have a 1 in 5 chance of doing something stupid. If you were mad then you wrote a letter and they didn't get it for a week. Now you can sent your insanity instantaneously and reap your consequences just as fast.. How much different would my life be if I lived 60 years ago? How much different would your life be? Think about it.

Achtung baby

I had a minor setback on Sat night after my party when HIM and our other friend stayed after everyone left. I don't what it is, but HIM just seems so cozy. I could just crawl into his nook and stay there forever. But unfortunately the nook is closed for business this time of year. They must be cleaning.

I hate the setback. It always happens and worse I think it has to happen. Without the setback things would be too easy. When are things ever easy? I watched a Brazilian film were a little boy says something to the effect of "mom says God never gives us more than we can handle. But I think sometimes he forgets and kills us". Actually, I may have made up the death part but I still like it.

So I said to myself last night this is stupid. Let's just get this over with. Should I still get hung up on HIM? A sign would help me. That's right, I actually wanted a sign. And tonight as I was chewing on a piece of pizza I remembered this morning as I was pulling out of my garage headed to school and there was HIM's aunt waving at me from the sidewalk across the street. Was this what I asked for?

I don't know anymore, i just don't know.

When it rains everything gets soggy

I'm feeling pretty good lately even though I have an empty plate so to speak. I ran into nerd crush in the library this week which was great. Actually it was more like I was talking to one of my really muscular friends for quite a while before I noticed he was right across the table from him - then I ran into him. I just noticed that he has a few grey hairs in his ebony mane. We all know how much I love a silver fox, this ups his potential quite a bit. I made sure to tell my friend Dan from my ward on the phone today to make sure nerd crush gets an invite the the festivities this weekend at my house. He'll have no chance then.

HIM just makes me laugh now, a good sign that my "I hate you for not liking me back" phase is over. I hate that phase, it has tarnished a number of friendships for nothing. HIM over-complemented me on both my other blog and my comment on a friends blog. Quit complimenting me HIM.....its getting old. Ha Ha. Besides, HIM sent me a text today that just re-established my suspicions that sometimes he's just two steps behind. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA - see how much I can laugh about it now?

I did something last night that I haven't done since my sophomore year; I tore out a picture of a boy from my Urban Outfitters catalog and taped it the back of my door. I'm trying to restrain myself from covering the whole door like I used to, but I figure one picture is OK. I just liked how he looked and it helps me remember that yes, I do have a type and he is out there. I don't have to pick from the small selection afforded to me here. I figured out that I can only date less than 10% of the worlds population living here. Now I've never been good at math and so I'm sure that equation is horribly wrong. In fact, its probably less than 10% which is much worse to think about. So I decided this summer that I was over dating in America and now I was moving on to the world. I am a Global Studies major after all....what better way to study the globe than to date it?

I just need a better passport picture now.

Do-over

I felt bad for not being friendly enough to the guy in my class who asked me if I wanted to go get a sprite with him at the beginning of the semester. I should have been nicer when I was tanner. Now I want attention and don't know where to get it. So when I left class the other day sprite boy was in the hall and he looked like he was smiling at me as I walked past so I smiled back and said hello only to discover he was actually saying hello to someone behind me.....snap. Serves me right.

We had stake conference this sunday so I wasn't able to charge at my nerd crush, but I did see him Friday night and acosted him then. I actually went to an intramural football game with some friends because I knew there would be men there without fail. When we left nerd crush was walking by and said "I never see you at functions outside of church". "That's because I don't go to them" I replied. "Why is that" he foolishly asked. "Because you have never invited me" I smiled. The look on his face...priceless. He fumbled around for a responce until he agreed "that could be a reason". It was beautiful.

I'm over IT and slowly over HIM. There is nothing wrong with me and nothing wrong with HIM not liking me. The nice thing about crushes is they can go away. Especially if your crush has small hands, falls asleep too early and can't always follow the conversation at the same speed as everyon else. Its really too bad though, I like having a crush. But its even better when it works out. So now I'm listening to the stupid sounding advice I gave to one of my friends, "Onwards and upwards". Well I'm on to cookies and upwards of 4 candy bars a day. Good times.

You threw off my groove

First thing I did when I got to Geog 101 today was lean over to class bro and ask, "Do you have any single friends that want to take me on a date"? He nodded no right away. "You didn't even think about it" I protested. "I don't really have a lot of guy friends" he replied. "Well you should get some new friends" I snapped back. I need to go on a date. I need to go even if for no other reason than it would take my mind off HIM.

Why am I sitting around oblivious to everyone else waiting for something? What exactly am I waiting for? A declaration of undying love? That's just not realistic, and if I've become anything its realistic. How much longer can I wait for HIM? Not much longer I think. There has basically been silence since Friday. I tried to close the gap with a few text messages that barely garnered any results - which is typical of HIM. Its not supposed to be like this. I should have someone chasing after me, not the other way around. My brother in-law gave me some good advice, "when you go on a date with HIM, don't act like his friend". Easier said than done. I don't know any other way to act. If I can't even make myself act differently, how can I expect HIM to? Maybe its just not meant to be, like all the other relationships in my life its just bad timing. And come to think about it he doesn't know anything about those relationships. After 1 1/2 yrs of friendship he hardly knows me. Interesting.

And to make matters matters worse I've lost my uumph. I used to be able to unnerve a guy with just one look, not anymore. I've been trying to flirt heavily with this nerdy boy in my ward from Boston. There is no question he is a nerd, but I just like him. My goal is to get him to take me on a date which used to be no problem. But the last two weeks I've only muttered a hello in the hallway. I'm going to get him this Sunday, mark my words. On Monday I got into an elevator with an attractive guy. He scooted closer to me in the elevator and I should have said, "getting off on 3 as well"? But I looked down and headed out the door. Perhaps what I need is to go to Jamaica just like Stella to get my groove back. Something has got to change.

Review

It all started with a text; I need to talk to you. The phone rang seconds later and I found myself voice to voice with my biggest fear: HIM. I sent the text. I answered the phone. And I stumbled word after word. " I know you are dating other people, thats a good thing. But I have developed a little crush on you and I wanted to know what you thought". The silence was bad, but hearing that he knew was even worse. "No, this is a good thing, I'm definitely smiling right now" he said. Of course you are smiling, I just made a fool of myself to pump up your ego. "I am seeing people, but we should definitely go on some dates" he continued. DATES???? I don't want to go on dates. I don't want to be having this conversation. I don't want to be counting the moments until I don't have to hear you anymore. I want to crawl under my bed with some magazines and watch peoples feet as they pass by unaware of me.

You don't have to answer right now......in fact, please don't answer right now. Take some time to think about it and by then I'll already be in Rosarito getting food poisoning. When they find me and the taco that did me in they'll say she was running away from something - but ultimately she died doing what she loved; eating cheap food on the street.

We had our first date on Friday night. We had hung out a lot with other people, but this was a solo project. We went to the same International Cinema movie that my parents who never go out went to. "We didn't see you there" my dad said later at home. "I saw you and we sat far away" I replied. He looked good, really good but I couldn't tell him. I felt foolish as I stole secret glances at him during the movie. I just wanted to reach over and touch him, just put my hand on his back, but I didn't. Finally over hot chocolate between discussing capital punishment, gangs and the state of Israel I blurted out "I like that shirt, it looks good on you". Lame.

10:30pm, date over. I sent a "thank you"text (an inside joke of ours). He laughed and sent one back thanking me. Then he sent a real one saying we should do it again sometime. Another crumb for me to nibble on. "I'm tired of crumbs" I told my mom, " I want a piece of bread".

लेट'एस स्टार्ट अत थे बेगिन्निंग

I've decided to start a second blog to share my dating mis-adventures. It seems I always have something to say or share in this department. Unfortunately I cannot share this part of my life on my regular blog because boys read it....and thats no bueno. So for the select few of you who get to read this, welcome to my dating hell.