And then I really started thinking about it and panic set in. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Thoughts of future commitment began to tighten my throat like a really itchy wool turtleneck and I started to feel... suffocated. The rest of the day I couldn't let it go. This feeling of terror. I get like this sometimes when it comes to committing to things, but didn't I want this all along? Its like having a lump of bread caught in your throat and you have no water. It just sits there applying pressure to your lungs.
I don't know how to survive in a non-single world anymore. Every class, job, whatever, I have used my feminine wiles to help me. I'm good at smiling extra big when I want something, or sitting on a desk to hear about the latest camping trip. Don't get me wrong, I'm far from the office skank - but I do know how to use my femininity for my benefit. This all has to be curbed when in a relationship or married. Making friends with the ladies who sit in the break room who cross-stitch and talk about grandkids and cats doesn't seem so appealing.
I ran into HIM in the library tonight. I just watched HIM talking to me about something and I just kept thinking in my head, "is this what you want? Is he really what you want"? I gave him a ride home and he invited me in for some Pero. I still couldn't shake the nasty doubt. And once again "is this what you really want?" echoed in my head as I searched all the planes of his face. We don't even have a commitment.
Why am I doing this?
3 comments:
Typical. Once you have it, its not as appealing as you thought it would be. Don't despair though - batting your eyelashes to succeed (or to have a good time) is definitely still allowed.
I agree with Tara. But can you stop thinking so much and just enjoy! (easier said than done, I know)
this must be the same day that you wrote the murderer of love email to me.
i don't know why you're freaking out. actually i do. i think it's got a lot to do with independence and you can't be tagged to anyone. am i right am i???
well, i think that's my problem at least. but i really do hope for the best for my friends...hopefully you can work through some of the issues that i have.
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